The Posts of Miss Amanda

2011-08-06T19:13:00.000-07:00

At 17 I left home and spread my wings. I have been so blessed as I follow where this crazy life has led me. As I come close to deciding where this girl is gonna settle down, where? is a question I am asked most often. Every place I have been now has a little piece of my heart. Some more than others. So if home really is where the heart is...then we have a problem. Vegas, Oregon, Cali, Lincoln, Dallas, and Amarillo are not exactly close to each other. My prayer is that it will become clear to me in this next year where these roots need to be planted and I also pray that wherever that may be, that just maybe it will be in a place that already has a little bit of my heart or that God will make me perfectly content if it is somewhere new.

Growing up? No thanks.

2011-04-01T10:09:00.000-07:00

Growing up scares me. I know that I am still young but I cant help but think that I will never be a kid again. Thinking back to high school, I would do anything to just have one week of those days back. Im sure once I leave college I will wish I could have a week of this time back. Today is just one of those days where I miss home a ton and wish I could live with all my brothers again and play soccer for my high school and go to classes and mess around with my friends.

I still have about a year and a half left of college so I am not sure why I am having a high speed come apart about this. Maybe its because I am going on my internship in a few weeks. I am so excited and lucky to be going but I am sad to leave everything behind and start new again. I know I am not leaving things here for good because I will be back in the winter, but it is still hard. There is so much unknown and it is not really that fun to think that I while I am stressing about all these things, time is steadily moving forward. Not only am I worried about the future but I am wasting the time I have now by worrying about the future.

I just need to give it to God. I need to remember that not even my next breath is guaranteed to me unless God says so. No sense in worrying about something that is not even mine in the first place. Easier said than done though.

I dont really ever get angry...but tonight I was

2011-03-17T20:50:00.000-07:00

Tonight something happened that really just didnt sit right with me. No one really ever reads this blog so I feel like its fine to talk about it here...then maybe I wont care as much.

Last year I was told that I could be a manager for the baseball team here at school. This year rolls around and I sign up to go on the mission trip with them. We had a blast and I grew to appreciate each guy on the team. Tonight we had a follow-up meeting where we talked about life after being back from the Dominican Republic. After the meeting, the coach pulled me aside and told me that I would not be helping out with the team anymore. His reasoning is because a few of the guys came forward on our mission trip and said that they didn't feel comfortable around me because they are friends with my ex-boyfriend. He used to play on the team but is now graduated and doesn't even live close to school.

The reason this makes me so upset is because I am very intentional about what I say or do when my ex-boyfriend is brought up. I strongly believe that how I act in those situations is a reflection of my character. I honestly have no idea why it would make some of the guys on the team uncomfortable. I respect their friendships and would never want to take away from that, but at the same time I think there needs to be a level of maturity to where people that were not in the relationship should be over the relationship when both of us have already moved on.

I don't mind that I cant travel with the team anymore, but I would rather my character not be put into question by the assumption that it would be awkward to have his ex-girlfriend on the trips. I would never dream of having them choose sides. That is immature.

I hate that something that was so hurtful in the past is continuously present even when I have chosen to move on. Some people just need to let go and grow up. We are pretty much adults and it is time to start acting like it.

Phew I'm glad I got that out. I dont feel quite as mad now.

texas

2011-02-08T17:48:00.000-08:00

Welp, it is true, everything is bigger and better in Texas. And I am lucky enough to get to do my official school internship there! YE-YUH! The last summer I spent in Texas was seriously the best summer of my life. I will never forget the friendships made and things learned in that summer. When I left, I didnt know if I would ever get the opportunity to go back to that beautiful state. And this is my public statement committing to Hillside Christian Church in Amarillo TX.

I am super nervous and a little bit freaked to be going on my official internship. Mainly because that means I am getting old and I will actually have to go out into this big bad world and do something with myself. Also because commitments stress me out a little bit. The future is a scary thing for me. Now, I still have a year and a half left of school. But I cant help but feel the pressure of the looming question, "so what are you going to do once you graduate?" Heck if I know. I know that I love jr high ministry and that I love being around people and I love creative arts. We will see where that takes me. But for right now, I am seriously the luckiest girl in the world to be going to a school with awesome friends and about to have an awesome adventure in Texas...again.

God is faithful and I know that the next few years are going to be so awesome.
Psalm 121
^"1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? ² My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.³ He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; ⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.⁵ The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand; ⁶ the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; ⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

all for you

2010-12-22T09:14:00.000-08:00

This is what I think God would say to me right now..

“you are beautiful.
you have a big heart, full of love to give.
give it. give it all. and when it’s empty, i’ll fill it back up for you to give some more.
i created you to love and love like i love you and you haven’t been doing that.
love til it hurts. then let me bandage the wound and continue.
i’ve brought you this far. i’ve brought you this far and you think i’m gonna let you go?
there’s no way i could do that. i love you too much.
you been thru much worse. and look at you. i’ve picked you up and dusted you off.
you are gorgeous. i made you that way. you think i made a mistake?
i put every freckle on your cheeks. i put every speck of color in your blue eyes.
you think you’re chubby? so what. i think you’re beautiful.
you see those mountains? those trees and the bushes that surround them?
i did that.
every mountain. every rock. every patch of grass. every cloud hovering above.
all for you. with more love than you could ever fathom.
there’s that one man you think you love, but what’s the point if he doesn’t love you and appreciate everything that i made you to be?
it’s wasted.
know that i have created someone for you that loves every small detail about you that i do.
he’s out there. don’t be afraid to wait for him. i promise he’s worth it.
you have so much love and life to give and you’re keeping it all to yourself.
why? what are you scared of?
don’t be afraid of being open.
don’t be afraid of being let down.
people let me down daily. but i love relentlessly.
because i know people’s true hearts.
and yours is no exception.
you believe in people. and i love that about you.
why? because i made you that way.
i created you with a personality that reaches many. don’t be shy.
let that light shine. it’s a pure and loving light.
why question who you are? and why let others allow you to do that?
you know you’re on the right path.
you know what’s works for you.
and you know what i expect of you.
keep to that path and you’ll be just fine.
i love you, beautiful daughter. and don’t ever forget that.”

still I will praise You

2010-12-06T07:53:00.000-08:00

my heart longs to love You. to love You more than anything in this world. i long for You to be the God of my heart, mind and actions.

yet i feel like i am drowning. i feel like You have left my side. a broken heart and loneliness are my constant companions. will the sun ever shine on me again?

but still i know You are faithful. You have brought me through trials before. Your love and grace are constantly poured on my like a streaming waterfall.

hear my cry to you God. fill my life again. restore my heart and give me a deep passion for You. may Your face shine upon me and make your presence known to me.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18

"I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on. And there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes, still I will praise You. Still I will praise You."

plus 1

2010-12-05T22:31:00.000-08:00

Lately it seems as if I am the only person that does not have someone else. Almost as if everyone got picked in the relationship gym class and there was too many people so they asked me to keep score till the game was over. All this to say that sometimes it is hard to be on a campus where everyone has a someone. I used to have a someone so I guess that is why I long for it...I know what it is like to be someone's someone. I dont think this longing will ever go away unless I decide to be content with just being me without a plus one attached. And I mean truly content. Not the content like staying in on a Friday night and being ok with it...but the day in and day out walking alone no one to say goodnight to type of content.

Sometimes I think that God is the only one in the whole world that will ever love me and never leave. And that is probably true. So sometimes when I'm walking on campus and there are couples everywhere holding hands and laughing together, I picture Jesus with me. Im sure this is not completely Biblical or whatever...but I picture Him walking with me and holding my hand. That way I dont feel like I am missing out on as much. I say goodnight to Jesus and although the romantic part of things is not there...the relationship part is. It makes things a little less sucky for now. So I will be patient until the image of Jesus walking with me can be replaced by a man that will love me and be my somebody.

who I was, am and will be.

2010-12-04T13:02:00.000-08:00

There is such a difference in those three. I was so happy and confident in who I was. This year's first semester was the best semester of college for me. Life was easy and I had everything I wanted. But then I stopped trying. I stopped my daily routine and eventually changed. I let someone else take the drivers seat in my life and things got out of control. I changed into who I am now. Who I am now is not good. I am not proud of the things I have done or how I have treated people. I lost my focus and drive in life. Instead of independent and confident, I became dependent and unsure. When I look at myself, I dont even recognize the person I have become.

But I am done. I do not have to be confined to who I have been lately. I know who I will be.
I will be strong
I will live for an audience of one
I will be confident in who God has made me to be
I will be content with whatever situation
I will be beautiful on the inside and outside
I will be driven by my goals and passions
I will be fun and caring
I will be patient (this one is going to forever be a work in progress)
I will be

Who I Wish You Were...

2010-12-03T19:10:00.000-08:00

I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were

It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn't soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I'm mesmerized by the picture that's in my mind

Tell me when I'll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
'Cause I don't want to keep on believin' in illusions

A Little Bit Stronger

2010-10-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

the dark.

2010-05-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

I was driving with a friend tonight and saw a tree in the middle of nowhere. When I first saw the tree I immediately questioned why this tree was all alone. But then I looked at the color of the tree up against the night sky behind it. Without the tree, I would have thought that the sky looked really dark tonight. With the tree, I noticed that the tree was darker than the moonlit sky behind it. Being in Lincoln, Illinois, there are no lights or hotels anywhere. Everything is extremely dark as soon as the sun goes down. It was so dark that if I didnt know better, I would have thought that the tree was black. As we kept driving the headlights lit up the tree and it no longer held that deep darkness. When light was shining upon it, it was not black at all.

All of this sounds insignificant but then I thought about my own life. In the cornfields of Illinois, I have always felt like that desolate tree. I really don't look like the other trees but sometimes it could appear that way. From afar, the tree I saw, and myself, look just like all the others. But if you get close enough, with just the right light, the tree is very unique and not as dark as I thought it was...

Being on a Christian campus has made me feel a little less bright, and perhaps a little dull or even dark at times. I don't stand out because I am not the smartest or the funniest or the most creative or the most --fill in the blank--. I am used to being all those things. I am used to being the tree that always had light shining upon it because I was different than the rest. Everyone knew my potential and capabilities. Everyone knew what I was great at and trusted me with great things. But coming here has made me that tree, alone, and dark. Not different from the rest. At first I liked blending in and not standing out in any way shape or form. But after a while, I needed that shine. I needed to know that I am not the same as the hundreds of people on this campus. That I am different. So I decided to be different in a way I had not tried before. I became the girl that smoked cigars and did things that was unexpected (nothing terrible...don't worry). I tried to let boys be the ones that shined the light on me and made me have that feeling of standing out. We all know that never works.

And tonight it finally clicked. On this campus I will not shine any brighter next to another shiny person. Its only when I am put in the darkness that I will shine. So I just need to hold on until the right headlights come and let me shine, all the while knowing that I am capable of shining. So for now I will be that tree..alone but somehow not quite set apart from the other trees.

Matthew 5:14
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden."

just me

2010-03-17T09:39:00.000-07:00

I hate the feeling of being tied down. I was in a relationship with a wonderful guy and never realized how tied down I was. How tied down I made myself. If you know me at all you know that I am so independent and love to do things on my own. For some reason I thought that being in a relationship meant I had to give that up. I thought I had to be the perfect Christian girlfriend and let him be my night in shining armor in order for it to work out. I changed almost every single part of me in fear of losing someone that I really loved. It really is true that "One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it." Giving everything I had to make the relationship what I thought he wanted ended up in disappointment and left me unhappy. I can never change who I am and still be happy. There was just all that pressure to be perfect so that in exactly 2 years we will be married, like everyone else on this campus. Voices around me told me that it was time to settle down and get super serious with him. In my heart all I wanted was to have fun and be in love with someone as great as the guy I had. All day I could play the “what if” game. The game where I say, what if I would have been myself the entire time? What if I had not done this or that? Would we still be together? Would I truly have been able to learn all this if he hadn't broken up with me? I think it took all the pain for me to realize all of this. Come to find out, half of the things I thought I wanted were all just pressure from outside people telling me what I should be doing. They tell me that I should have had certain talks with him by a certain time in our relationship. Or that he should be doing this or that. I know he was not perfect, but if I had been my own person, things would have been different.

Through it all, I am thankful. I do not regret one thing because it got me to the place I am now. I now know that if at the end of the day I do not love myself, I can’t expect anyone else to love me either. The only way I can love myself is if I am my own person. I pray that one day God will put a man in my life that I can love and will love me for me. Whether that is the same guy or a completely new person, I am trusting that God has an awesome plan for my life.

I should have...

2010-03-13T18:33:00.000-08:00

Boy it's been all this time
And I can't get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I've prayed for you to say

I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

My friends think I'm moving on
But the truth is I'm not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I've kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you're happy I'll get through somehow

i dont wear a halo...

2010-03-02T12:17:00.000-08:00

I never promised you a ray of light,
I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday,
I give you everything I have, the good, the bad.
Why do you put me on a pedestal,
I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below,
So help me down you've got it wrong, I don't belong there.

One thing is clear,
I wear a halo,
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here, you wouldn't say so
you wouldn't say so, if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,

I always said that I would make mistakes,
I'm only human, and that's my saving grace,
I fall as hard as I try
So don't be blinded
See me as I really am, I have flaws and sometimes I even sin,
so pull me from that pedestal,
I don't belong there.

a stronger woman

2010-02-26T12:04:00.000-08:00

From now on I am gonna be
The kind of woman I want my daughter to be

I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
Won't lose myself again
never, no
Cause there's a stronger woman,
a stronger woman in me

when the rain comes

2010-02-19T07:56:00.000-08:00

When the rain comes it seems that everyone has
gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes
you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades
you know that rain must fall
on everyone
Rest awhile
it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do
When the rain comes
I will hold you

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

100%

2010-02-17T11:05:00.001-08:00

People always say to give 100% in whatever you do. Who is anyone else to say that I am not giving 100%? I think it is possible for people to be giving all they have and still not measuring up to their previous performances. I think all anyone can ask of a person is for them to give the best they can at that time. Sometimes people go through things in life that do not allow them to give 100% to something. It is not always their fault. It is everyone's job not to point out what they are not doing, but rather look through their lens. If they are struggling with life, telling them to give what they used to is not right. It will only leave them feeling lower than before. Defeated.

Then I started thinking about a relationship. I find that most struggles are because one person believes the other is not giving their all. I am not saying that anyone should lower their standards and be bullied. But I am saying that I am learning how important it is to understand that 100% is not always what I think it is. I guess it leaves me thankful. Thankful for the little things and for the fact that although things are not the way they used to be, I am being given someone's 100% with what they have. That is all I can ask. It is not my place to ask for more. It would be like the STL Blues (hockey) almost winning the stanley cup. They would have given 100% to just get to that position. You cant be mad at that. If at the end of the day both are willing to be ok with the level of 100% they are receiving, things are fine.

I could...

2010-02-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

I could stand up and sing you a song
But I don't want to have to go that far and I
I've got you down, I know you by heart
And you don't even know where I start
Talk to yourself, talk to the tears
Talk to the man who put you here
Don't wait for the sky to clear

cheap trick

2010-02-15T17:23:00.000-08:00

"I want you to want me.

I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me."

I think Cheap Trick was onto something great with this. Those four little lines from their song are what every person (girls especially) wants. It's pretty sad what people will do in order to feel wanted/needed/loved. Dont let today go by without letting someone know you want/need/love them.

when the tables are turned

2010-02-11T20:59:00.000-08:00

Asking for forgiveness for something big is humbling for a few reasons.

1. It definitely is hard to say sorry and admit that you are not perfect. There is no room for pride.
2. It is a good reminder of how it feels to be on the other side of things. It is good to be able to remember how it feels to want so badly to be forgiven. That feeling of helplessness and just waiting in hopes of things being restored.
3. You are not in control. How the other person reacts to the whole thing is not up to you. You can only decide what you will do from there.
3. Because when things are turned back the other direction, it will be easier to forgive others.
4. It reminds you that you are not perfect and therefore draws you closer to the One that is perfect. Only His peace will get you through the waiting period.
5. Your timing is not always the other persons timing. True forgiveness is not measured by a standard timing- it may take the other person longer than you would like.

*This is obviously something I am learning this week. When looking at the forgiveness I long for from someone on earth, I cant help but think of the forgiveness given by the Lord. He does not have to but chooses to. It is truly amazing the love that God has for us-that he would forgive us no matter how many times we fail. That should produce a humbleness that brings me to my knees every single day.

Patience

2010-01-19T14:02:00.000-08:00

"I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you

I dont care if that's not fair"

Today's lesson: it is important to see people for who they are in all seasons of life. Not just when things are peachy. If you can still love them after that, you win. Patience will get you to the end. Know of a place where I can get some of those?

Now I'm not so sure

2010-01-15T15:44:00.000-08:00

Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest
Made you run and hide like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute
Now I'm not so sure

So here's to everything, coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute
But I don't anymore

words

2009-12-01T07:47:00.000-08:00

I'd rather have sticks and stones
And broken bones
Than the words you say to me
Cause I know bruises heal
And cuts will seal
But your words beat the life out of me

pictures

2009-09-16T06:39:00.000-07:00

Erin and I on the way to a soccer game.

The girls getting some dinner before classes start.

Waiting for our soccer game to start. Me, Erin and Mallory in the back. Thanks Mal.

Lauren, me, and my roommate Brooke at CIY this summer.

On the lake. I was about to crash into a boat.

Blake, Calvin, Emily and me jumping off the two story boat....so scary.
Well, this has been my life for the last month or so. Its been pretty fun being me lately.

It's beating...

2009-08-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

Its beating..
For months all I wanted was for it to stop beating. If it stopped beating then it stopped hurting. I found a way to make it stop for a while. That was called stuff. I filled my life with stuff. Stuff was great for a little bit. But I got bored with stuff and realized it was not the best company. So I tried the company of some other things like friends and books. Just like before, I became weary and burnt out. I could not handle friends. They became needy and clingy just like a bad girlfriend. Books made my head hurt because of how much time I spent with them. So I dropped them like they were hot. What was left? What could get it beating without hurting? Nothing worked. I failed again. Neat. So I decided to try out trust. Trust has burned me before but it was the only thing that made sense. Trust took me a while to warm up to. After that stage, trust became all I knew. This was so strange. To get it beating again I needed to do the thing that made it hurt. So I was on my own after I had to leave trust. I had to leave trust and go back to what I thought was darkness. However, when I arrived at the place I knew as darkness, it was only filled with light and a few clouds. Never completely dark. I pray that it will never be completely filled with darkness again. It beats like a rap song. Inconsistent and to the tune of whatever I am doing. The beat needs to be steady and consistent. Its almost beating to the tune I choose. Almost. Not yet. Soon.

with every goodbye...

2009-08-22T11:57:00.001-07:00

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaving. And company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to realize that kisses aren’t contracts, and presents aren’t promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans. And futures have a way of falling down in mid flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong and you can endure. And that you do have worth. With every goodbye, you learn.

better man

2009-08-08T14:17:00.000-07:00

"Its hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying."

Do you want to be healed?

2009-07-31T12:30:00.001-07:00

In John 5, Jesus asks the man who is sick if he wants to be healed. This part of the story always stuck out to me. It seemed like a silly question. Well of course he wanted to be healed. Why else would he be there? This man has been miserable for so long and would clearly want to be healed. But then I started to go deeper with this. What does being healed mean for him? It means that he has to live life and leave his comfort zone. The man has been this way for 38 years. Talk about a comfort zone. He is going to have to start completely over and learn to live.

I thought of this in terms of my own life. Do I want to be healed? Do I truly in my heart of hearts want to be healed from all the crap in my life. It may just be easier to keep carrying these burdens and regrets. Being healed would mean starting over. It would also mean that I would be whole again. Being whole again is a scary thing. Something whole can be broken. If I remain broken, there is nothing left to break. Therefore, I am safe. Right?

Wrong. John 10:10 tells me that I am supposed to have life and life to the fullest. Being broken is not living that out. Brokenness should not leave me content. It should leave me thirsting to be restored. It should leave me on my knees daily, asking God to restore my life.

Best Wedding Entrance EVER

2009-07-27T21:47:00.000-07:00

I absolutely LOVE this.
-also, notice the woman minister :)

Fired Up!

2009-07-23T21:27:00.000-07:00

This is the video that I made today. It is to advertise for Fired Up.

This is a Jr High event that goes on during vacation bible school.

We filmed this morning and then I spent most of the day editing and

adding music to make it pretty. I loved working on this video today

and it was the best way to finish out my week. Let me enlighten you

on a few things so this video makes sense. Purple-ing: boys are blue.

girls are pink. dont make purple. Also, Blake is in love with cookies

and everyone knows it. That is why we are going to have a cookie

dough making/eating contest. Pictures of the event will be posted!

dare to dream

2009-07-22T12:59:00.000-07:00

Blake sent this to me today and I thought it was awesome. He has been teaching me a lot about dreams and visions for my life. Something important that I have learned is that until your dream is made ready for others to hear, dont share it. If you share it too early, people are going to shoot it down. I have had this happen a lot this summer. I made the mistake of broadcasting a dream or goal for my life. Because it was foreign to the people I was sharing with, they laughed. Laughing at someones dream is just not nice. Luckily, I dont easily quit or back down. Like the kid in this video, I wanted to just put my dream in a plastic bag and be done with it. And at times I have mentally done that. I have mentally reduced myself to something less than my potential.

Something else that he taught me is that it is important to have "small wins". I rarely make short term goals. All I can think about is long term and large projects. He showed me the importance of having those little wins along the way. This may help with feeling defeated or inadequate before actually reaching the end of a goal.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Eleanor Roosevelt

I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
W.B. Yeats

anything but ordinary

2009-07-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

**This is a joke...I dont really think this about myself...just so we are clear :)

My whole life I have held myself to a higher standard than those around me. I never settle for anything less than the best. I try to separate myself with others by my grades, my music, work, my art and almost any other aspect of myself. I don't hold others to the standards i set for myself because I find that it only leads to disappointment. Surprisingly, I don't think better of myself compared to others because of my need for excellence.

Last week I was disappointed in myself. I got a speeding ticket. To everyone else this is not a big deal but it really sucked for me. It closed one more gap between me and other people. It seems like this past year a lot of gaps I had were closed and I am becoming more and more ordinary. That is what it seems like but I know this to be false. I will not give up on my standards but continue to learn grace when I am not perfect. That is something that I struggle with most. I have a lot of justice in me and very little grace. I know full well that I deserved that ticket. The officer was super nice and chatted with me about my summer internship (since he pulled me over in the church parking lot) and then kindly handed me my ticket. How nice.

derf and blerf

2009-07-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

I went to a wedding. This is michelle gabbard and emily. Love them.

This is me finishing up a paint war. It was sooo fun. I am on the far left and soaking wet.

I got bangs. Sometimes i like them, sometimes i dont. This moment, I dont. We will see.

1. I am building relationships with a few older girls in the youth group. It is awesome to finally be able to pour into someones life and see the transformation. I have always been bad when it comes to carrying others burdens, which happens a lot in ministry I am finding out. This is something that I am having to learn very quickly.

2. Overall, I have worked the most with Blake, the Jr. High minister, and really admire him. I have a lot left to learn from him and how he runs his ministry. I am looking forward to the rest of the summer with all the staff and students. Every minute of my job is great and I would not change it for the world. I am so lucky to get paid to learn and do what I love most in life.

3. I am scared to go back to school. I think I'll just stay here.

4. We all put God in a box based on the scope of our faith, understanding, and spiritual freedom. Is your box getting bigger or smaller? I am trying daily to make mine bigger.

5. Watching the homerun derby was not so much fun. I usually love baseball but it seemed boring this year. However, I loved loved loved the all star game. I fell back in love with baseball when I watched that game.

6. I get to go to Oregon in two weeks and I could not be more excited. I feel so alive when I am there. It will be awesome to hang with my cousins and shoot some hoops. (i sound like I am good at basketball, nope. Im not)

7. Words that I have been saying non-stop: derf and blerf. neat. intentional.

8. I have started running again. It is so hot here that I cant make it super far without getting heat stroke. I love exercising and feeling good about myself.

when you're hurt

2009-07-08T23:23:00.000-07:00

"When you're hurt in a relationship, when the unfailing love you desired bails on you, a wave of bitterness can wash into the void. And when that bitterness takes over, watch out. When resentment rolls around inside you, you begin to turn into an angry, distant, cynical, oversensitive, ticked-off-at-the-world kind of person. You become withdrawn. You become selfish. You become self-absorbed. You grow distant. You're distrustful and even a bit paranoid. When bitterness hacks into your life, it really messes you up." - Mike Breaux

"Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple." - Job 5:2

I have been thinking about this quote from Breaux a lot lately. I am working so hard to not let this description become a reality for my life. I can admit that it has not been an easy struggle and it is something that I have to decide every single day. Giving in to all those things would be way easier but would result in being messed up. That is something that is harder to bounce back from. Id rather smile when I want to cry and work every day to get past the crappy part of broken relationships. Just like Annie says, "You're never fully dressed without a smile"!

quick recap

2009-07-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

First off, I think that I am writing to no one. I do not think that anyone reads this, so does that make me crazy writing things that I hope people will read, but knowing fully that no one ever does? I dont think so. I hope not.

well here is a little update of my life. I went to Durango Colorado for the CIY conference. There were so many cool things about that trip I could not fit them all into one post. I love those students so much. I really do have a passion for high schoolers. One of the cool things we did while we were there is white water rafting. It was soo fun..until Lauren Neese hit me in the nose with her paddle. It turned out to be funny but my nose swelled and bruised. Luckily no brokenness occurred. The ride back from the trip was crazy. 18 hour trip took 26 hours- 2 broken down busses, 1 emergency room visit, 4 busses pulled over by the cops in the middle of the night, 4 hour wait with 200 students in a restaurant at 4 in the morning, and big smiles as I finally got off the bus.

I have been able to build relationships with some of the students here. I mostly hang out with the Selinger girls. One of them is in high school and the other is in jr high. They are great girls with so much potential. I have had some awesome days back at the office since being back from my trip. I feel like I know the people that I am working with pretty well and we get to have a great time while getting some work done. These next few days are going to be crazy busy (every day seems to be crazy busy for me!) with getting ready for events at the church, volunteering at a wedding, hanging out with students, putting on events and just learning as much as possible.

this is just a brief overview of what I have done in the last two weeks. I love my life and my job.

jr high camp . host family . life in general

2009-06-26T19:04:00.001-07:00

Maddy is one of the kids I live with. She is 4 and super cute. We are really goofy all the time and I love it. One of her favorite things is to take pictures on my computer. Random fact: Little kids are funny and I decided that I want kids for sure. Girl-first name Peyton. Boy-middle name Alan.
This is a picture of my group at jr high camp. They were all 8th graders and I loved being their leader. It was one of the best weeks ever. These kids have so much potential and they don't even realize it. I am so excited to be spending the whole summer with them. Not to mention, our group won the overall camp competition. Winning is awesome and my kids deserved it. They were awesome servants and leaders all week. I spoke at one of the sessions at camp and it was pretty cool. I have not spoken a lot in front of big crowds but Blake asked me to do it. He believed in me and I have a hard time saying no. I am so glad I did because it was a big learning moment for me. Random fact: there were snakes at camp and I hated them but would go on golf cart adventures looking for them.
This is what I do in the down time of my super busy schedule...sit in my backyard by the pool and draw or listen to music and write. I love my life. God has me in such a good spot right now and I am so thankful. We all know I needed it. I could not have asked for a better summer. Random Fact: God has a bigger plan for my life than the one I had for myself. I cant be a snow globe if those bigger plans are going to work. There is a huge part of me that is still really broken. Time is slowly picking those pieces up off the ground. I have faith and will not give up on picking up pieces and tearing down walls.

4-5th Grade Camp

2009-06-16T14:39:00.000-07:00

this is Emily. She is one of the other interns I work with. She is great.

This week I am at 4-5th grade camp. These kids are so draining it is crazy. So far this week we have done so many activities and games and lessons it is all a blur. They have this huge blob thing here at a big pond. The kids love it. At night the leaders get to go out and play volleyball or swim. That time is precious. I am going to need some serious rest and the help of God to make it through this week. It is going to be awesome to see how God continues to move at camp this week!

Above is a picture of me and Aubree another leader at camp. She is a student in high school and is super involved in the church. Our faces show just how exhausted we are today and the week is not even half over!

texas

2009-06-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

I am in texas for the summer as an intern for Compass Christian Church. So far I absolutely love it. The people that I am working with are pretty great. I am working mostly with 4-5th graders, jr high and high school. Recently I have worked a lot with Blake, the jr high pastor. He is a good person to learn from. Now that I gave him a shout out I should mention Chris, Matt and Cameron. They are all great leaders as well. The other interns that I am working with are so much fun. We get along great and really have a great time togther.
My least favorite part so far would be making phone calls to parents telling them they owed money for camp. Who knew people did not like to be told they owe money?
My favorite part would be getting to know the guys I work with. Going to their houses for dinner is always fun. Also, Blake taught me how to shoot a red rider gun. Then I beat him in a competition.
I dont get much sleep because there is always something to do, and if you know me, I love that. There is always someone to go hang out with or an event to go to or work to be done. It is awesome.
I have seen: an armidillo, a possum, a moth the size of a 50 cent piece, a grown man dance to justin timberlake, two coyotes running through my neighborhood in the middle of the night, and Kobe win two games in the finals.

I now appreciate all of my past interns on a whole new level. They hung out with me when they could have been sleeping or relaxing.

life. isnt it great.

2009-05-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

Well in the past month I have gone through some pretty stressful times. The kind of stress that no one my age should have to go through. I think it is all finally catching up to me physically and emotionally. Now that I am home for a week and actually have time to just sit and breathe, I am proud and not so proud of how I made it through the stress. Usually something I live by is no regrets. I wish I could say this about my life lately. However, if my life was a movie I would have written the last chapter a little differently. But then again if my life was a movie I would have come out on top by now. Anyways, I am proud that I made it through that time in my life and I am still alive. That's an accomplishment right there.

As far as music goes, I listen to mostly 80's rock or other music that is not slow and chill. Shocking, I know. I don't really know where I want to be geographically either. I didn't want to leave Illinois. Then I didn't want to leave Texas. Now I don't want to leave Vegas. Not quite sure what the deal is with that. My family is not the same as it used to be either. Things have changed so much since I have last been home. I get the feeling that everyone is just putting on a good face while I am here. After all, that is what my family does best. When I was at school I missed my home church so much. Sunday I didn't really feel like it was home anymore. Sure the people I love were there, I just wasn't feelin it. I think I am just really looking for stability in my life and not finding it anywhere. I am so ready to settle down and stop chasing happiness. I am ready for it to find me and for me to embrace it with everything. I'm so ready for everything to stop being so messed up and for me to stop messing up. So yeah, I'm a wreck. But if you know me, you know that I make pretty big comebacks (like Dave Dravecky- Dravecky was an above-average starting pitcher for the Padres in the 80s before he had a cancerous tumor removed from his pitching arm in October of 1988. By August of the next year, he was already back pitching in the majors.) . Ill find my way eventually. It just may take an extra step or two...

the person you are

2009-05-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

"And Hansel said to Gretal: "Let us drop these bread crumbs, so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things." This year I lost my way. And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey... is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted nine months. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been, and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are."

MUSIC OF MAY

2009-05-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

Music is on my mind this month.
Lately I have been restless with music. If you are in that same spot, here is some stuff that I like this month. You may like it too.

super chill/ "I feel like something is wrong"
Civil Twilight- Quiet In My Own Town
The Cure- Boys Don't Cry, Just Like Heaven and any of their older stuff. Mostly their work from the 80's
The Script- Break Even, Lose Yourself, The Man Who Can't Be Moved
Kate Voegele- Hallelujah, You Can't Break A Broken Heart, Lift Me Up

not so chill
The Spill Canvas- Lillaby, Break A Leg, This Is For Keeps, All Hail The Heartbreaker, All Over You
Bush- Come Down, Glycerin
Addison Road- Sticking With You
The Afters- Love Lead Me On
Foo Fighters- All My Life, Pretender, Best Of You, Learn To Fly
The Honorary Title- Stay Away, Everything I Once Had
Shinedown- Second Chance
Matt Nathanson- Come On Get Higher, Heartbreak World, Princess
Audioslave- Like A Stone, Show Me How To Live, Revelations, Doesn't Remind Me
Nirvana- Come As You Are, Sappy

battle

2009-04-27T11:30:00.000-07:00

Satan knows that he will not win the battle. Why does he still try? I get the feeling that I would have given up by now. If I knew that I would not win a battle, I would stop trying.

Picture two sides of a battlefield. One side knows very well that they will not win. Yet they still want to do as much damage as possible. The other side of the battle knows that they will be victorious no matter what damage they receive. This confidence gets them through the battle even faster. I need to remember what side of the battle I am on.

In Mark 5- Jesus casts out the demons into the pigs and the demons recognize the power of Jesus. If even demons can recognize the power of God, why cant I?

If God is for me who can be against me?
-Romans 8:31

2009-04-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

-Juno

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
-1 Corinthians 13:13

unanswered prayers

2009-04-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
Good thing I am not in charge of my life. I would have changed some things about my life lately but I truly believe that God knows what he is doing. I am beginning to see that what I thought I wanted would not be good for me at all. I am very thankful that my prayers these past few weeks were not answered how I wanted.
In all things God works for the good of those who love him.
-Romans 8:28

its going to hurt

2009-03-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

Does it hurt?
Yes
The rain came and the storms of this life hit me hard
The rain went away after a while but the night brought hail
No rainbow, just dark lonely hail
The morning brought snow
Somehow through the blankets of glistening snow I find hope
Hope that it will melt
Knowing that under the snow is life and life abundantly
Will I hurt tomorrow?
Yes
I have become something that not even I can love
The mirror reflects the ugly unhappy morose version of a girl
A girl who loved sports and life and having a good time
I will not settle until I find that girl
You ask if I will live?
Yes.
I will believe in myself and all that I am
Knowing that there is something inside me that is greater than any obstacle.
I will not stop loving him
And I pray that one day he will give that love another chance.
Until then...
i WILL find myself

Beautiful

2009-03-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

The King is enthralled by your BEAUTY;
honor him, for he is your LORD.

Psalm 45:11
*Since God made me, how can I be anything but beautiful?
This will be my focus for the next few weeks.

just breathe

2009-03-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

inhale...
my mind suffocating from the thoughts it must house. too much to hold, but too much to let go. Your words linger, the cold wind against my face. Just as sharp and painful with each blow.
exhale...
His peace consumes. Uncertain yet sure, His sovereignty maintains me. hands raised in awe. reaching, but not alone. embraced in the spirit.
inhale...
so much resting upon me. a task beyond my capability. Forever...depending on my words. The waves are coming in, my feet start to slip
exhale...
The bank holds firm. He will never let go. I cannot see accross the span, but the shoreline up ahead will not disappoint. My gaze now focused, i look only ahead

another mountain

2009-03-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

I Grew Up In Vegas...

2009-03-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

Now that I have left and gone away to school, I can really see how different growing up in Vegas is from the rest of the country.

When you grew up in Vegas:
You don't wear "Las Vegas", T-shirts. Only people from Cali would do that.
When you go to different cities, you're amazed things aren't open after 9 pm
When it rains people freak out & when it snows, they lose their minds.
In the summer, your car is overheated...before you started driving
You know that prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas but legal in Pahrump.
You know a yellow light means there is plenty of time and a red light means there is still enough time.
Your mayor used to work for the mob and still hangs out with show girls.
The slot machines in the airport drown out the PA announcements
You give directions to your house based on location of closest casino
You learned how to use crayon's by playing KENO at restaurants when you were a kid.
You have no idea what a scarf does but think it looks good.
You know how to get to any casino on the strip without taking Las Vegas Blvd.
You know the seasons: Really hot, 2 weeks of nice, not so hot, 2 weeks of nice.
It doesn't faze you to see slot machines in grocery stores.
You have no idea how a lottery works.
You know the spaghetti bowl has nothing to do with food and you want nothing to do with it.
You think a well-organized pile of rocks can be a nice lawn.
You need to walk through a casino to see a movie.
You can spot a tourist from 3 miles away.
Limos are an everyday sighting.
You don't own an umbrella.
Sixty degrees is cold enough to wear a jacket.
You can wear shorts in the winter.
You get bored in the Entertainment Capital of the World.
You've never had to pay for parking.

The Luckiest

2009-03-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

I don't get many things right the first time

In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
The luckiest

-Ben Folds

I know that I complain a lot about the way things are, but I really am thankful for a lot of things. Today I sat down and started listing off the things that I have to be thankful for and I really am a pretty lucky person. In spite of all the bad things that happen in my life, I have so much going for me.

to be a lily

2009-02-23T12:42:00.000-08:00

like a lily among thorns

is my darling among the maidens.

Song of Solomon 2:2

i really like this.

decisions

2009-02-20T07:16:00.000-08:00

This seems like a theme for life. Decisions will always have to be made.
I remember this summer when I had to figure out which school to go to. Since I was little I had planned on going to OSU.
Plans Fail.
I ended up all the way across the united states.
Plans Change.
I am so thankful to for the decisions that led me to where I am.
New Plans Succeed.
Summer is coming and jobs are being lined up... or so I hear.
Decisions Are Hard.
Indiana, Las Vegas, Reno, Illinois, Texas, Pondo
How To Decide?

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Too Much Cheer

2009-02-16T09:06:00.000-08:00

After this weekend I feel like the Grinch of cheerleaders. There was way too much cheer going on this weekend. Trevor and I went down to Springfield IL to watch the high school state competition. His cousin performed on the second day we were there. Trev tried to warn me about the intensity of the events of that weekend but I refused to listen. Two straight days of cheerleaders was a little much. At the competition emotions were on both ends of the scale for all the girls. Some were sobbing because they did not win, others were ecstatic because they took first, and then there were the pissed off girls who dropped their stunts. After day one of the competition, the hotel was anything but good place to get some rest. We had drunk neighbors in our hotel who refuse to sleep, and hyper girls practicing their routines in the lobby. Somehow I am still glad that I endured the whole shebang and managed to have a little bit of fun. Lets just say I am happy to have made it out of the cheer world alive.

what matters most

2009-02-15T09:46:00.000-08:00

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:30

saying no to being a yes (wo)man

2009-02-11T21:06:00.001-08:00

I have a tendency to turn into a yes (wo)man to try to please people all the time. What I need to keep reminding myself is that I am only responsible for what is in my "yard". There are things in my life that I have been put in charge of or responsibilities that I have to take care of. There are also relationships that I have chosen to invest and put my effort into. These are some of the things that are in my yard. If I do not have my yard taken care of, I have no business taking care of someone elses yard. This does not mean that I will refuse to help someone if they are in dire need. However, the little things that I put my stuff off for, are not necessary. I am primarily responsible for the things and people that I have put into my yard. Having that fence up is a hard thing for me. My thoughts tell me to just tell people no sometimes, but my mouth always seems to say yes. Being everything for everyone is impossible and can leave me disappointed. Putting up this kind of fence is not a bad thing. In fact, I need it. My yard has been looking a little dry these days. I feel like I am on the right track to having a beautiful yard. Better days are ahead.

How is your yard looking?

Jon McLaughlin

2009-02-09T09:32:00.000-08:00

For Valentines Day I get to go to another concert with my man (I am SO lucky!). This time we are going to see Jon McLaughlin in Chicago at the House of Blues on Feb 20th!
He is not very well known yet, but is getting there. One of his older songs that you may know is Beautiful Disaster.
Jon plays the piano and has an overall chill sound without putting you to sleep. Trevor has seen him live once before and said that he was really good. I cant wait to go. Plus he is not bad to look at :)
Check out Jon McLaughlin or see my Artists to watch out for list!

no title

2009-02-06T12:47:00.000-08:00

"Yes, losing your heart's desire is tragic. But gaining your heart's desire? That's all you can hope for. This year I prayed for love... to immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic, then give me tragedy. Because I wouldn't give it back for the world."

oh christian college

2009-02-03T09:13:00.000-08:00

I struggle with a lot of things here at christian college. Something that has bothered me a lot lately is singing worship. To me, I worship to God instead of about God. I know that most songs are about God but I think that it should not be about singing to each other. On this note, I cannot understand why people take off their hats in prayer and not during the whole service. This can be taken one step further to saying that if God is with us at all times, why ever wear hats. I do not think that God is absent when people wear hats, so I do not see the point in taking them off. Reverence and everything makes sense, but I do not think God is any less pleased with the offering of our hearts in worship when hats are worn.

Something I also struggle with here is the popular words. I don't think I have ever heard so many "christian" cool words in my life. This frustrates me because it is just so silly and half the time the words are not even in context. They are used for spicing up language and not to help explain anything. So pointless.

I also have a hard time with the people and profs on this campus that are placed on a higher pedestal than the others. I believe that there are a lot of good people here, not just the "famous" ones. I guess this is just me running against the grain but it is something that really really bothers me. It is fine for someone to have their favorite prof but when there are the elite ones who can do no wrong on a campus where everyone is striving for the same thing, it is no good.

I recently have realized that being at a christian college has not strengthened my relationship with God. Do not get me wrong, I have learned so much in my time here but my relationship with God is suffering. My classes spend so much time in the Word that I don't really feel like doing it on my own anymore. This is something that I recognize as not good. As a result of this, my other relationships are suffering. Also not good.

There are a lot of other things that have been eating at me the past few months. I will save those for another time.

ps. This is the most open I have been on my blog... I am working on being more open in general. I figured I would start here. It is a lot of work keeping to myself all the time.

Punxsutawney Phil

2009-02-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

1. today is groundhog day! I feel like this day takes on more importance to me now that I want winter to be over.
2. Punxsutawney, Pa., is about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. This is where Punxsutawney Phil lives.
3. The man in this picture does not look like he has a good hold on Phil. I am a little worried for his safety.
4. The verdict?
more winter.
boo

My Second Man

2009-02-02T10:21:00.001-08:00

My man took me to a concert for Christmas. Brad Paisley is my second man. He was so talented and I loved it so much. All the people were so good and I had a really good time. There are always some funny people at country concerts. Lets just say some people had one too many drinks. Trev enjoyed Darius Rucker (the lead singer from Hootie and the Blowfish). Luckily I liked everyone that hit the stage that night. Darius Rucker, Dierks Bentley and Brad Paisley put on one good show. I would definitely go to their show again.

I was wondering...

2009-02-01T10:12:00.000-08:00

When is spring coming?
I need warm weather and sunshine. I never realized how much the weather influences my mood until I moved to the ice caps of IL. It has been a little warm here (about 30 degrees) so I think that maybe the cold is coming to an end. Today I am going to go kick a ball around outside with my friends. I am hoping that doing some soccer drills will make me happier.
When I was in Vegas for winter break, they had out swim suits already!! I feel like I need to get one because this time of year I usually start looking. I just cant pull myself to look for a swim suit when there is still lots of snow on the ground. Hopefully all the good ones wont be gone by the time I begin the search for my 09' swim wear.

Toms Shoes

2009-01-29T09:30:00.000-08:00

This is a picture from their 2008 South Africa shoe drop.
I am still really excited to get a pair of these. Eventually I will.
Check them out if you haven't yet!
Toms Shoes

back on board

2009-01-14T11:07:00.000-08:00

I have decided that I am going to get back on the workout train. At some point I would like to know that if i had to, I could play a full soccer game again. It would be nice. Indoor soccer is starting soon which is also why I need to get in shape. I don't think I have the motivation to train like I would during a regular soccer season, but I am working on it. Side note: This has nothing to do with the new year or any resolution I made. I don't make resolutions at new years. I think it is quite silly. If I wanted to change the way I was doing things, I would do it at any point in the year. Waiting for the new year to come around to make changes is just silly.

Lincoln, IL is home

2009-01-10T12:49:00.000-08:00

"I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while."
-Juno MacGuff

And the winner is...

2008-12-31T16:43:00.000-08:00

As you may know, Trev and I have been competing at everything. The main competition was with our blogs. Whoever could post the most in the month of December won. Clearly, I came out on top. I finished the month with three more than he had. There was some talk on his blog about guys being better and being able to "run with the big dogs". Now that we have cleared up that it was all garbage...we can continue on with our lives. (I am sure all two of you reading this were highly concerned with this issue)
This brings me to my next issue...Now that I have proven a point, my blogging may not be as often. I know you are torn up inside and broken hearted that I will not post as much. I have confidence that you will make it.
Oh yeah, welcome to 2009.

Amy Kuney

2008-12-26T17:46:00.000-08:00

Amy Kuney is so talented. I stumbled upon her this afternoon and I love her sound. It is different than the music you will hear every day. I am confident that she will be a hit here pretty soon.

this may be one of my favorite songs now. love it
check her out!

This past year

2008-12-25T09:54:00.001-08:00

~My grandma asked the whole family to write a letter to her of what went on in their life this past year. This is what I came up with.

The Journeys of a Young Woman.
By Amanda Berry
I was finishing up my schooling at this place that was like a prison. I could not wait for the chance to be able to run free in the fields with the wind blowing in my hair. I would spend the next few months of my life without a care in the world. I spent my days joyously laboring at a place of worship across town. These days were some of the best in my life. I had a loyal companion named Emily during the warmer months of the year. But nothing gold can stay and I had to prepare for my escape to the corn fields of Illinois. My father was off gathering in Mexico but luckily made it back in time to bid me farewell. Saying goodbye to my loved ones was not an easy thing. I knew that this season in my life was done and the next was beginning. I had no idea what would await me when I arrived in that foreign land of Lincoln. Across the country my only companion was Chelsea and the smell of route 66. Finally we had arrived at my new home. There were many other people there that were just like me. The next few day of my life were the longest but went by the fastest. I was mingling with the other newcomers and enjoying life on my own. Classes began and the work piled up. At times I did not know if I would survive these strenuous conditions. I knew that I could not give up. The joyous times with my new comrades got me through these tough days. In the nights, the people would play games and sometimes I was invited to join. Oh how I loved to play with the others. We often traveled to a place of dance and song. This became one of my favorite things to do. Soon the weather began to change and I began to prepare for the frigid weather. In this time of the season, there was a young man that struck my fancy. After much thought, he became my boyfriend. I feel like this was a wise decision for me at this point in my life. In the colder months, I found it hard to keep warm. Luckily my place of sleep was kept warm. Surely I would not have survived without the warmth of my room. The common place of eating was delightful at first. Into the colder months, my roommate and I sought out food from other places. Food was scarce for a while. Our stock of top ramen and popcorn was running low. After I joined in with my roommate, we were able to make the big trek to Wal Mart and replenish our rations in our room. Autumn, my roommate, is such a lovely girl. I am fortunate to have such a loyal and kind friend. My family sent for me over the holiday season. I was so happy to be able to join with them once again. It had been so long since I left them. The last 12 months of my journey in life were filled with joyous as well as sad times. I am thankful for them all and am glad to be me.

change

2008-12-24T11:50:00.000-08:00

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
-Robert Frost

that feeling

2008-12-23T12:06:00.000-08:00

"I want to draw something that means something to someone. You know, I want to draw blind faith, or a fading summer, or just a moment of clarity. It's like when you go and see a really great band, live for the first time and, you know, and nobody's saying it, but everybody's thinking it, we have something to believe in again. I want to draw that feeling, but I can't. And if I can't be great at it then I don't want to ruin it. It's too important to me."

Yellow

2008-12-22T10:44:00.000-08:00

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
Oh what a thing to have done
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
You know, you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh what a thing to do

Cos you were all yellow
I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
And you know for you
I'd bleed myself dry for you
I'd bleed myself dry

It's true, look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And all the things that you do

I think that a song can mean different things to different people. It just depends on where they are in life. I have always thought that this song is a love song. The color yellow shines with optimism, enlightenment, and happiness. Yellow can carry the promise of a positive future. He says how the stars shine for her and the things she does. I think that he uses stars because there will always be stars, and always be his love for her. He is so in love with who she is, that everything is yellow, or filled with happiness.
Sometimes yellow is the color represented for sacrifice. In this song, he explains how he would do anything for the one he loves. He even says that he would bleed himself dry for her. This could mean that she is sick (possibly kidney failure= body literally turning yellow) and needs him...im not really sure. Either way, it is about how he would sacrifice everything for her. Everything about their love is yellow and he would do anything to see her shine.
Some say that "I drew a line for you" is a reference to drugs. However, I think that it is about boundaries and drawing a line to separate the things that he used to do before her.

drawing

2008-12-21T16:01:00.000-08:00

I used to be really good at drawing. I could come up with things to draw so easily. In the past I could just sit and draw for hours. These past few months I have hit a drawing slump. I sit and think for a long time on what to draw and come up with nothing. When I finally figure out what to draw, it turns out terrible in the end. Maybe that is why I have been a little tense. Who knows. It would be great if my creative drawing talent would come back. Just sayin.

temper tantrums

2008-12-21T15:32:00.000-08:00

Today Lee Coate told this story about dealing with his kids when they throw tantrums. Many times parents spank their children or use other methods of immediate punishment. He used to use a very creative but awesome way of letting his kids know that he was seriously mad about their behavior. He would pick them up and place them in the bath (fully clothed) and then turn on the water. A minute or two later the kid would be completely quiet and no longer throwing a fit. BRILLIANT! I love this for some reason. Way better than spanking or what not.

love them

2008-12-20T13:13:00.000-08:00

Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) - Beyonce
the lyrics to this one are just so funny. I love it.

Live Your Life - T.I. and Rihanna
love it!
best part is:
Now everybody watchin what I do
Come walk in my shoes
And see the way that I'm livin if you really want to
I got my mind on my money and I'm not goin nowhere
So keep on gettin yo paper(ah ah)
And keep on climbin
Look in the mirror
And keep on shinin
Til the game end
Til the clock stop
We gon' post up on the top spot
Livin' the life, the life

children

2008-12-20T12:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my friend Kori and I had to babysit some kids at a Christmas party. It was so funny to see them interact with each other. They would start playing together for a while, then about halfway through the night they introduced themselves. It was just so cute. Its funny how they can play together for hours without knowing anything about the other kid. This is so different from the way grown ups act. For adults, trust has to be established before "playing". I wonder why that is?
Just thought it was interesting.

i just really want to

2008-12-19T08:59:00.000-08:00

The summer heat takes all the glamour out of having long hair, since it feels sweaty on our necks—and blow drying becomes a gut-wrenching chore. But how many of us would actually shave it all off like Mena Suvari (above)? The cut is for her new movie Garden of Eden, but still, that takes some serious bravery! Natalie Portman(right) looks beautiful with her head buzzed. This is something that I have always wanted to do. So much less work. I have to wait till summer or at least spring break to do it. It would grow back so fast and wigs would be fun. One day I could have red hair, black the next, and blonde after that. It would be so awesome. Trev would kill me, but Im sure he would get over it. Would you shave your head?

christmas competition

2008-12-18T22:45:00.000-08:00

So the Christmas present competition is over. The

exchange happened and it was great. Trevor got me tickets to go see Dierks Bentley and Brad Paisley in January!!! I can't wait. It is going to be so much fun. If there was a competition between presents, he totally won. If you like country music, you should check them

out!
Best Christmas present.

Good job babe.

My Teams

2008-12-17T09:34:00.000-08:00

NFL- San Fransisco 49ers: I have always been a loyal fan of them. My cousins got me into them.
New Orleans Saints: Mike Hass(above) was wide receiver for Oregon State and I love him. He now plays for the saints and is roomies with Reggie Bush.
I also really like the chargers because Philip Rivers is a stud.
Soccer- LA Galaxy of course.
MLB- San Fransisco Giants: I am their loyal fan too. Ill stick with them through thick and thin.
College sports (any and all)- Oregon State University Beavers. I love this school so much. I am forever a beaver.
Hockey- I dont really have a team but I usually root for the team with the less lame mascot. The mapleleafs? really? No, I dont think so.

Emily Johnson

2008-12-16T22:11:00.000-08:00

This birthday shout out goes to my good friend Emily Johnson.

Christmas Competition

2008-12-16T12:27:00.000-08:00

Getting presents for people is always a competition. Depending on how much you spent or what kind of present it is. I think that with all presents there should be a rule that the person receiving it gets to ask 10 questions. Like the game 20 questions, except that is too many... so 10. Trevor is not cooperating with this idea. Oh well...i suppose I can wait like a good girl.

Its too cold

2008-12-16T09:25:00.000-08:00

No one likes a complainer. However, lately I find myself complaining constantly about the weather. I just feel like I have not been warm...like seriously warm...since October.
So here is my average day of freezing to death...
wake up and get out of bed into my cold room.
get out of the shower into another cold room.
travel outside to classes and to eat..in the freezing cold.
sit in my classes where it is generally cold.
then participate in some more cold activities.
and finally go to bed where it is fairly cold outside of my covers.

ok so now I am officially done complaining about the cold.

funny in a not funny way

2008-12-15T09:37:00.000-08:00

So here is my story of the day.
I was in the library studying for finals and almost missed my final. So here I am, running across campus in the ice and sliding everywhere. Not good. People thought it was so funny. They should really have a class on how to walk in the snow/ice.
After my finals are all done for the day, I had to go to the DMV to get some things done. Unfortunately my car was frozen over. My doors were frozen shut and it took a while to pry them open. I first opened my passenger door and tried to open the drivers door from the inside. I ended up breaking off the door handle. Now I have to roll down my window and open the drivers door from the outside. Neat. I should probably invest in a scraper for my car. I did not have one, so I spent a good deal of time scraping ice off my windows with a pen. Not smart. Once I get my car finally open, I travel to the dmv. They are closed.

Fear Factors

2008-12-06T22:50:00.000-08:00

All negative behavior is motivated by fear. Fear can cause us to miss out on so many great things and can hold you back from achieving greatness.
-fear of being poor
-fear of not being capable
-fear of failure
-fear of speaking (public)
-fear of not being in control
-fear of loneliness
-fear of past
-fear of rejection
-fear of the unknown
-fear of death

The Bible only tells us two things that we are supposed to fear-- 1. God 2. Nothing.
This week I challenge you to figure out what you are afraid of and then work on it.
But courage is not the absence of fear. Its acknowledging it and trusting in God for the strength to do it anyways.

I Am Second

2008-12-05T07:22:00.000-08:00

I am Second is a movement where significance in life is a shared value among people of all kinds. Actors. Athletes. Musicians. Business leaders. Your next-door neighbor. People just like you. Their authentic stories on here provide insight into dealing with typical struggles of everyday living. You'll meet people who overcame destructive lifestyles. Plus you'll discover those who have tried to go it alone and have failed, yet still found a life full of hope, peace and fulfillment.

On this website you will find answers to tough life questions, connect with live people, watch peoples stories (American Idol contestant Jason Castro is one), learn about who is first, and how you can become second.
CHECK IT OUT!!!

I AM SECOND

SNL

2008-12-03T15:05:00.001-08:00

I love this skit so much. Here is just a part of it.
Anyone want to learn it with me?

I Follow You

2008-11-24T12:26:00.000-08:00

I walk down this narrow road and I try to stay close by your side. The battle is raging around me. I put off my old self as I choose that I will follow you. So protect me and give me your vision as I seek what you want me to do. Give me love- love for the broken. Like Jesus once gave up for me. Joy beyond my condition- remind me that its my choice. You're my peace You surpass understanding while guarding my heart and my mind. Make me patient and help me to be kind and gentle with your self control.
Help me Jesus to take on this role.
I follow you.

Christmas Music

2008-11-21T09:48:00.001-08:00

my top three Christmas songs this year:

The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) - Nat King Cole
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays - NSYNC
All I Want For Christmas Is You - my girl Mariah Carey

What are yours?

you should know:

2008-11-18T10:29:00.000-08:00

-If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.
-Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.
-The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.
- The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.
- Laughing strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
- The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
- Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
- The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it’s already been digested by a bee.
- When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red.
-When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
- The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.
- The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.
- Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game.
-Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command “go hang yourself.”
- Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Redlight Fashion Amsterdam

2008-11-15T11:15:00.000-08:00

In Amsterdam, the Red Light District is taking on a new style. Fashion designers are taking over one window at a time. Instead of selling their bodies, models are selling high fashion clothing.

Redlight Fashion

el presidente

2008-11-04T21:38:00.000-08:00

Obama is our president. Whether you like it or not no longer matters. Our country has made a collaborate decision and now it is time to stop acting like children. I am personally glad with the results. However, the people who did not vote for him now need to back him. People don't need to like everything that he does, but I believe that our country needs to be unified and stand together. Bashing on the president does not accomplish anything. Like my good friends from High School Musical say, "We're all in this together!" So lets act like it.

I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone—for kings and all those in authority
1 Timothy 2:1-2.

somebody has to say it

2008-10-29T18:04:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of people's attitudes on serving lately. When a leadership role is placed on someone, they better hold up to those standards. Not following through with something because you are tired, or your nose is stuffy, or you just don't feel like it- kills me. There are a lot of things that need to get done in life that you are not going to feel like doing. We are not called to be faithful in our commitments only sometimes. So if you are reading this wondering if this describes you, please stop and think about why you are doing the things you do. If you cant find a good reason, back out for a while and figure things out. But don't hold onto commitments you cant keep. And especially don't keep people wondering when you are going to fulfill your commitments if you never have the intention of doing so.

Before I'm Done

2008-10-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure anyone cares to read this, its more for me to remember it I guess. They are not in any order.

my bucket list:
-take that road trip with my best friend
-be someone's role model
-change someone's life for the better
-read the bible cover to cover
-skydive
-swim with dolphins
-go off the Niagara Falls in a barrel
-be an awesome mom and wife
-play piano and sing at the same time
-attend a US Open tennis match
-travel to places like Paris, London, Calcutta, Great Wall of China...and many more
-shave my head... don't ask
-be in two places at once
-build an official tree house
-see aurora borealis with someone special

Very True

2008-10-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

Snow Globe

2008-10-13T20:18:00.000-07:00

Someone I really admire once told me that I am like a snow globe. The funny thing is that nothing could more accurately describe me. I give off the impression to people that we are close but there is always that wall there. That stupid wall has caused me to push away some really great people lately.

VOTE!

2008-10-08T08:41:00.001-07:00

Two things that I care about lately: Toms Shoes (above) and voting.
After watching the debate last night and doing tons of research, I am fairly certain of who I am voting for. Hint: the picture. Im not 100% yet.
Toms Shoes

"If At First..."

2008-10-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

(an original poem by Brock)

Words are pouring
From my fingertips,
No use ignoring
Trembling lips,
My throat is dry
My cheeks are wet,
I gave it a try
And now I must
Try to forget.

At The Gate

2008-09-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works be praised at the city gate." -Proverbs 31:30-31

A woman of God- Proverbs 31 Woman
* Stop trying to be charming and beautiful. Those are temporary things.
A womans heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him first in order to find her.
Work on becoming a Proverbs 31 woman and the rest will come. Have faith and trust that God's timing is better than our own.
It only matters what happens at the gate.

I'm Sorry That I'm Not Sorry

2008-09-24T11:40:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry that I'm not blond,
but I am also sorry that I'm not sorry.
I'm sorry that I'm not short,
but I am also sorry that I'm not sorry.
I'm sorry that I'm not extremely smart,
but I am also sorry that I'm not sorry.
I'm sorry that I don't have the best voice,
but I am also sorry that I'm not sorry.
I'm sorry that I'm not the best athlete,
but I am also sorry that I'm not sorry.
I'm sorry that I'm not the funniest,
but I am also sorry that I'm not sorry.
I'm sorry that I am not the most talented,
but I am also sorry that I'm not sorry.
I'm sorry that you can't love me the way I am,
and that I am truly sorry for.
I refuse to change for you,
but you are the one who is missing out.
Not me.

4 Personality Types

2008-09-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

Lion - leader, no task is too big, tell people what to do, take control, my way mentality, greates
fear is losing control or not having a challenge, bold, like to change things, self-reliant,
take on too much

Otter - Strengths: optimistic, personable, enthusiastic, inspirational, encouraging
Weaknesses: impulsive, verbally manipulative, lacks follow-through
Like to have fun, do things the exciting way, like to dream things, greatest fear is losing
face or not having social approval.

Golden Retriever - supportive, agreeable, loyal, value relationships
Weaknesses: indirect with others, resists quick change, overly tolerant

Beaver - Strengths: orderly, thorough, analytical, pursues excellence
Weaknesses: lacks spontaneity, critical, overly cautious
Ideal world is one where I have excellence, want to do it the right way, like to research
things, greatest fear is being wrong or criticized.

People in the Bible:
Moses- Golden Retriever
Paul- Lion
David- Otter
Luke- Beaver
Ruth- Golden Retriever

Which one are you?

not just another pair

2008-08-30T23:49:00.000-07:00

I really want a pair.
http://www.tomsshoes.com/

TOMS SHOES

XXX Church in Vegas!

2008-08-30T23:32:00.000-07:00

I am so excited.
Check them out.
http://xxxchurch.com/