the dark.

I was driving with a friend tonight and saw a tree in the middle of nowhere. When I first saw the tree I immediately questioned why this tree was all alone. But then I looked at the color of the tree up against the night sky behind it. Without the tree, I would have thought that the sky looked really dark tonight. With the tree, I noticed that the tree was darker than the moonlit sky behind it. Being in Lincoln, Illinois, there are no lights or hotels anywhere. Everything is extremely dark as soon as the sun goes down. It was so dark that if I didnt know better, I would have thought that the tree was black. As we kept driving the headlights lit up the tree and it no longer held that deep darkness. When light was shining upon it, it was not black at all.

All of this sounds insignificant but then I thought about my own life. In the cornfields of Illinois, I have always felt like that desolate tree. I really don't look like the other trees but sometimes it could appear that way. From afar, the tree I saw, and myself, look just like all the others. But if you get close enough, with just the right light, the tree is very unique and not as dark as I thought it was...

Being on a Christian campus has made me feel a little less bright, and perhaps a little dull or even dark at times. I don't stand out because I am not the smartest or the funniest or the most creative or the most --fill in the blank--. I am used to being all those things. I am used to being the tree that always had light shining upon it because I was different than the rest. Everyone knew my potential and capabilities. Everyone knew what I was great at and trusted me with great things. But coming here has made me that tree, alone, and dark. Not different from the rest. At first I liked blending in and not standing out in any way shape or form. But after a while, I needed that shine. I needed to know that I am not the same as the hundreds of people on this campus. That I am different. So I decided to be different in a way I had not tried before. I became the girl that smoked cigars and did things that was unexpected (nothing terrible...don't worry). I tried to let boys be the ones that shined the light on me and made me have that feeling of standing out. We all know that never works.

And tonight it finally clicked. On this campus I will not shine any brighter next to another shiny person. Its only when I am put in the darkness that I will shine. So I just need to hold on until the right headlights come and let me shine, all the while knowing that I am capable of shining. So for now I will be that tree..alone but somehow not quite set apart from the other trees.

Matthew 5:14
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden."

100%

People always say to give 100% in whatever you do. Who is anyone else to say that I am not giving 100%? I think it is possible for people to be giving all they have and still not measuring up to their previous performances.

cheap trick

"I want you to want me.

I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me."

I think Cheap Trick was onto something great with this. Those four little lines from their song are what every person (girls especially) wants. It's pretty sad what people will do in order to feel wanted/needed/loved. Dont let today go by without letting someone know you want/need/love them.

when the tables are turned

Asking for forgiveness for something big is humbling for a few reasons.

1. It definitely is hard to say sorry and admit that you are not perfect. There is no room for pride.
2. It is a good reminder of how it feels to be on the other side of things. It is good to be able to remember how it feels to want so badly to be forgiven. That feeling of helplessness and just waiting in hopes of things being restored.
3. You are not in control. How the other person reacts to the whole thing is not up to you. You can only decide what you will do from there.
3. Because when things are turned back the other direction, it will be easier to forgive others.
4. It reminds you that you are not perfect and therefore draws you closer to the One that is perfect. Only His peace will get you through the waiting period.
5. Your timing is not always the other persons timing. True forgiveness is not measured by a standard timing- it may take the other person longer than you would like.

*This is obviously something I am learning this week. When looking at the forgiveness I long for from someone on earth, I cant help but think of the forgiveness given by the Lord. He does not have to but chooses to. It is truly amazing the love that God has for us-that he would forgive us no matter how many times we fail. That should produce a humbleness that brings me to my knees every single day.

Patience

"I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you

I dont care if that's not fair"

Today's lesson: it is important to see people for who they are in all seasons of life. Not just when things are peachy. If you can still love them after that, you win. Patience will get you to the end. Know of a place where I can get some of those?

words

I'd rather have sticks and stones
And broken bones
Than the words you say to me
Cause I know bruises heal
And cuts will seal
But your words beat the life out of me

It's beating...

Its beating..
For months all I wanted was for it to stop beating. If it stopped beating then it stopped hurting. I found a way to make it stop for a while. That was called stuff. I filled my life with stuff. Stuff was great for a little bit. But I got bored with stuff and realized it was not the best company. So I tried the company of some other things like friends and books. Just like before, I became weary and burnt out. I could not handle friends. They became needy and clingy just like a bad girlfriend. Books made my head hurt because of how much time I spent with them. So I dropped them like they were hot. What was left? What could get it beating without hurting? Nothing worked. I failed again. Neat. So I decided to try out trust. Trust has burned me before but it was the only thing that made sense. Trust took me a while to warm up to. After that stage, trust became all I knew. This was so strange. To get it beating again I needed to do the thing that made it hurt. So I was on my own after I had to leave trust. I had to leave trust and go back to what I thought was darkness. However, when I arrived at the place I knew as darkness, it was only filled with light and a few clouds. Never completely dark. I pray that it will never be completely filled with darkness again. It beats like a rap song. Inconsistent and to the tune of whatever I am doing. The beat needs to be steady and consistent. Its almost beating to the tune I choose. Almost. Not yet. Soon.

with every goodbye...

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaving. And company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to realize that kisses aren’t contracts, and presents aren’t promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans. And futures have a way of falling down in mid flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong and you can endure. And that you do have worth. With every goodbye, you learn.

better man

"Its hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying."

Do you want to be healed?

In John 5, Jesus asks the man who is sick if he wants to be healed. This part of the story always stuck out to me. It seemed like a silly question. Well of course he wanted to be healed. Why else would he be there? This man has been miserable for so long and would clearly want to be healed. But then I started to go deeper with this. What does being healed mean for him? It means that he has to live life and leave his comfort zone. The man has been this way for 38 years. Talk about a comfort zone. He is going to have to start completely over and learn to live.

I thought of this in terms of my own life. Do I want to be healed? Do I truly in my heart of hearts want to be healed from all the crap in my life. It may just be easier to keep carrying these burdens and regrets. Being healed would mean starting over. It would also mean that I would be whole again. Being whole again is a scary thing. Something whole can be broken. If I remain broken, there is nothing left to break. Therefore, I am safe. Right?

Wrong. John 10:10 tells me that I am supposed to have life and life to the fullest. Being broken is not living that out. Brokenness should not leave me content. It should leave me thirsting to be restored. It should leave me on my knees daily, asking God to restore my life.

dare to dream

Blake sent this to me today and I thought it was awesome. He has been teaching me a lot about dreams and visions for my life. Something important that I have learned is that until your dream is made ready for others to hear, dont share it. If you share it too early, people are going to shoot it down. I have had this happen a lot this summer. I made the mistake of broadcasting a dream or goal for my life. Because it was foreign to the people I was sharing with, they laughed. Laughing at someones dream is just not nice. Luckily, I dont easily quit or back down. Like the kid in this video, I wanted to just put my dream in a plastic bag and be done with it. And at times I have mentally done that. I have mentally reduced myself to something less than my potential.

Something else that he taught me is that it is important to have "small wins". I rarely make short term goals. All I can think about is long term and large projects. He showed me the importance of having those little wins along the way. This may help with feeling defeated or inadequate before actually reaching the end of a goal.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Eleanor Roosevelt

I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
W.B. Yeats

anything but ordinary

**This is a joke...I dont really think this about myself...just so we are clear :)

My whole life I have held myself to a higher standard than those around me. I never settle for anything less than the best. I try to separate myself with others by my grades, my music, work, my art and almost any other aspect of myself. I don't hold others to the standards i set for myself because I find that it only leads to disappointment. Surprisingly, I don't think better of myself compared to others because of my need for excellence.

Last week I was disappointed in myself. I got a speeding ticket. To everyone else this is not a big deal but it really sucked for me. It closed one more gap between me and other people. It seems like this past year a lot of gaps I had were closed and I am becoming more and more ordinary. That is what it seems like but I know this to be false. I will not give up on my standards but continue to learn grace when I am not perfect. That is something that I struggle with most. I have a lot of justice in me and very little grace. I know full well that I deserved that ticket. The officer was super nice and chatted with me about my summer internship (since he pulled me over in the church parking lot) and then kindly handed me my ticket. How nice.

when you're hurt

"When you're hurt in a relationship, when the unfailing love you desired bails on you, a wave of bitterness can wash into the void. And when that bitterness takes over, watch out. When resentment rolls around inside you, you begin to turn into an angry, distant, cynical, oversensitive, ticked-off-at-the-world kind of person. You become withdrawn. You become selfish. You become self-absorbed. You grow distant. You're distrustful and even a bit paranoid. When bitterness hacks into your life, it really messes you up." - Mike Breaux

"Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple." - Job 5:2

I have been thinking about this quote from Breaux a lot lately. I am working so hard to not let this description become a reality for my life. I can admit that it has not been an easy struggle and it is something that I have to decide every single day. Giving in to all those things would be way easier but would result in being messed up. That is something that is harder to bounce back from. Id rather smile when I want to cry and work every day to get past the crappy part of broken relationships. Just like Annie says, "You're never fully dressed without a smile"!

the person you are

"And Hansel said to Gretal: "Let us drop these bread crumbs, so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things." This year I lost my way. And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey... is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted nine months. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been, and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are."

battle

Satan knows that he will not win the battle. Why does he still try? I get the feeling that I would have given up by now. If I knew that I would not win a battle, I would stop trying.

Picture two sides of a battlefield. One side knows very well that they will not win. Yet they still want to do as much damage as possible. The other side of the battle knows that they will be victorious no matter what damage they receive. This confidence gets them through the battle even faster. I need to remember what side of the battle I am on.

In Mark 5- Jesus casts out the demons into the pigs and the demons recognize the power of Jesus. If even demons can recognize the power of God, why cant I?

If God is for me who can be against me?
-Romans 8:31

unanswered prayers

"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
Good thing I am not in charge of my life. I would have changed some things about my life lately but I truly believe that God knows what he is doing. I am beginning to see that what I thought I wanted would not be good for me at all. I am very thankful that my prayers these past few weeks were not answered how I wanted.
In all things God works for the good of those who love him.
-Romans 8:28

its going to hurt

Does it hurt?
Yes
The rain came and the storms of this life hit me hard
The rain went away after a while but the night brought hail
No rainbow, just dark lonely hail
The morning brought snow
Somehow through the blankets of glistening snow I find hope
Hope that it will melt
Knowing that under the snow is life and life abundantly
Will I hurt tomorrow?
Yes
I have become something that not even I can love
The mirror reflects the ugly unhappy morose version of a girl
A girl who loved sports and life and having a good time
I will not settle until I find that girl
You ask if I will live?
Yes.
I will believe in myself and all that I am
Knowing that there is something inside me that is greater than any obstacle.
I will not stop loving him
And I pray that one day he will give that love another chance.
Until then...
i WILL find myself

Beautiful

The King is enthralled by your BEAUTY;
honor him, for he is your LORD.

Psalm 45:11
*Since God made me, how can I be anything but beautiful?
This will be my focus for the next few weeks.

another mountain

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose