life. isnt it great.

Well in the past month I have gone through some pretty stressful times. The kind of stress that no one my age should have to go through. I think it is all finally catching up to me physically and emotionally. Now that I am home for a week and actually have time to just sit and breathe, I am proud and not so proud of how I made it through the stress. Usually something I live by is no regrets. I wish I could say this about my life lately. However, if my life was a movie I would have written the last chapter a little differently. But then again if my life was a movie I would have come out on top by now. Anyways, I am proud that I made it through that time in my life and I am still alive. That's an accomplishment right there.

As far as music goes, I listen to mostly 80's rock or other music that is not slow and chill. Shocking, I know. I don't really know where I want to be geographically either. I didn't want to leave Illinois. Then I didn't want to leave Texas. Now I don't want to leave Vegas. Not quite sure what the deal is with that. My family is not the same as it used to be either. Things have changed so much since I have last been home. I get the feeling that everyone is just putting on a good face while I am here. After all, that is what my family does best. When I was at school I missed my home church so much. Sunday I didn't really feel like it was home anymore. Sure the people I love were there, I just wasn't feelin it. I think I am just really looking for stability in my life and not finding it anywhere. I am so ready to settle down and stop chasing happiness. I am ready for it to find me and for me to embrace it with everything. I'm so ready for everything to stop being so messed up and for me to stop messing up. So yeah, I'm a wreck. But if you know me, you know that I make pretty big comebacks (like Dave Dravecky- Dravecky was an above-average starting pitcher for the Padres in the 80s before he had a cancerous tumor removed from his pitching arm in October of 1988. By August of the next year, he was already back pitching in the majors.) . Ill find my way eventually. It just may take an extra step or two...

the person you are

"And Hansel said to Gretal: "Let us drop these bread crumbs, so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things." This year I lost my way. And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey... is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted nine months. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been, and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are."

MUSIC OF MAY

Music is on my mind this month.
Lately I have been restless with music. If you are in that same spot, here is some stuff that I like this month. You may like it too.

super chill/ "I feel like something is wrong"
Civil Twilight- Quiet In My Own Town
The Cure- Boys Don't Cry, Just Like Heaven and any of their older stuff. Mostly their work from the 80's
The Script- Break Even, Lose Yourself, The Man Who Can't Be Moved
Kate Voegele- Hallelujah, You Can't Break A Broken Heart, Lift Me Up

not so chill
The Spill Canvas- Lillaby, Break A Leg, This Is For Keeps, All Hail The Heartbreaker, All Over You
Bush- Come Down, Glycerin
Addison Road- Sticking With You
The Afters- Love Lead Me On
Foo Fighters- All My Life, Pretender, Best Of You, Learn To Fly
The Honorary Title- Stay Away, Everything I Once Had
Shinedown- Second Chance
Matt Nathanson- Come On Get Higher, Heartbreak World, Princess
Audioslave- Like A Stone, Show Me How To Live, Revelations, Doesn't Remind Me
Nirvana- Come As You Are, Sappy

battle

Satan knows that he will not win the battle. Why does he still try? I get the feeling that I would have given up by now. If I knew that I would not win a battle, I would stop trying.

Picture two sides of a battlefield. One side knows very well that they will not win. Yet they still want to do as much damage as possible. The other side of the battle knows that they will be victorious no matter what damage they receive. This confidence gets them through the battle even faster. I need to remember what side of the battle I am on.

In Mark 5- Jesus casts out the demons into the pigs and the demons recognize the power of Jesus. If even demons can recognize the power of God, why cant I?

If God is for me who can be against me?
-Romans 8:31

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

-Juno

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
-1 Corinthians 13:13

unanswered prayers

"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
Good thing I am not in charge of my life. I would have changed some things about my life lately but I truly believe that God knows what he is doing. I am beginning to see that what I thought I wanted would not be good for me at all. I am very thankful that my prayers these past few weeks were not answered how I wanted.
In all things God works for the good of those who love him.
-Romans 8:28

its going to hurt

Does it hurt?
Yes
The rain came and the storms of this life hit me hard
The rain went away after a while but the night brought hail
No rainbow, just dark lonely hail
The morning brought snow
Somehow through the blankets of glistening snow I find hope
Hope that it will melt
Knowing that under the snow is life and life abundantly
Will I hurt tomorrow?
Yes
I have become something that not even I can love
The mirror reflects the ugly unhappy morose version of a girl
A girl who loved sports and life and having a good time
I will not settle until I find that girl
You ask if I will live?
Yes.
I will believe in myself and all that I am
Knowing that there is something inside me that is greater than any obstacle.
I will not stop loving him
And I pray that one day he will give that love another chance.
Until then...
i WILL find myself

Beautiful

The King is enthralled by your BEAUTY;
honor him, for he is your LORD.

Psalm 45:11
*Since God made me, how can I be anything but beautiful?
This will be my focus for the next few weeks.

just breathe

inhale...
my mind suffocating from the thoughts it must house. too much to hold, but too much to let go. Your words linger, the cold wind against my face. Just as sharp and painful with each blow.
exhale...
His peace consumes. Uncertain yet sure, His sovereignty maintains me. hands raised in awe. reaching, but not alone. embraced in the spirit.
inhale...
so much resting upon me. a task beyond my capability. Forever...depending on my words. The waves are coming in, my feet start to slip
exhale...
The bank holds firm. He will never let go. I cannot see accross the span, but the shoreline up ahead will not disappoint. My gaze now focused, i look only ahead

another mountain

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

I Grew Up In Vegas...

Now that I have left and gone away to school, I can really see how different growing up in Vegas is from the rest of the country.

When you grew up in Vegas:
You don't wear "Las Vegas", T-shirts. Only people from Cali would do that.
When you go to different cities, you're amazed things aren't open after 9 pm
When it rains people freak out & when it snows, they lose their minds.
In the summer, your car is overheated...before you started driving
You know that prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas but legal in Pahrump.
You know a yellow light means there is plenty of time and a red light means there is still enough time.
Your mayor used to work for the mob and still hangs out with show girls.
The slot machines in the airport drown out the PA announcements
You give directions to your house based on location of closest casino
You learned how to use crayon's by playing KENO at restaurants when you were a kid.
You have no idea what a scarf does but think it looks good.
You know how to get to any casino on the strip without taking Las Vegas Blvd.
You know the seasons: Really hot, 2 weeks of nice, not so hot, 2 weeks of nice.
It doesn't faze you to see slot machines in grocery stores.
You have no idea how a lottery works.
You know the spaghetti bowl has nothing to do with food and you want nothing to do with it.
You think a well-organized pile of rocks can be a nice lawn.
You need to walk through a casino to see a movie.
You can spot a tourist from 3 miles away.
Limos are an everyday sighting.
You don't own an umbrella.
Sixty degrees is cold enough to wear a jacket.
You can wear shorts in the winter.
You get bored in the Entertainment Capital of the World.
You've never had to pay for parking.

The Luckiest

I don't get many things right the first time

In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
The luckiest

-Ben Folds

I know that I complain a lot about the way things are, but I really am thankful for a lot of things. Today I sat down and started listing off the things that I have to be thankful for and I really am a pretty lucky person. In spite of all the bad things that happen in my life, I have so much going for me.

to be a lily

like a lily among thorns

is my darling among the maidens.

Song of Solomon 2:2

i really like this.

decisions

This seems like a theme for life. Decisions will always have to be made.
I remember this summer when I had to figure out which school to go to. Since I was little I had planned on going to OSU.
Plans Fail.
I ended up all the way across the united states.
Plans Change.
I am so thankful to for the decisions that led me to where I am.
New Plans Succeed.
Summer is coming and jobs are being lined up... or so I hear.
Decisions Are Hard.
Indiana, Las Vegas, Reno, Illinois, Texas, Pondo
How To Decide?


Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Too Much Cheer

After this weekend I feel like the Grinch of cheerleaders. There was way too much cheer going on this weekend. Trevor and I went down to Springfield IL to watch the high school state competition. His cousin performed on the second day we were there. Trev tried to warn me about the intensity of the events of that weekend but I refused to listen. Two straight days of cheerleaders was a little much. At the competition emotions were on both ends of the scale for all the girls. Some were sobbing because they did not win, others were ecstatic because they took first, and then there were the pissed off girls who dropped their stunts. After day one of the competition, the hotel was anything but good place to get some rest. We had drunk neighbors in our hotel who refuse to sleep, and hyper girls practicing their routines in the lobby. Somehow I am still glad that I endured the whole shebang and managed to have a little bit of fun. Lets just say I am happy to have made it out of the cheer world alive.

what matters most

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:30

saying no to being a yes (wo)man

I have a tendency to turn into a yes (wo)man to try to please people all the time. What I need to keep reminding myself is that I am only responsible for what is in my "yard". There are things in my life that I have been put in charge of or responsibilities that I have to take care of. There are also relationships that I have chosen to invest and put my effort into. These are some of the things that are in my yard. If I do not have my yard taken care of, I have no business taking care of someone elses yard. This does not mean that I will refuse to help someone if they are in dire need. However, the little things that I put my stuff off for, are not necessary. I am primarily responsible for the things and people that I have put into my yard. Having that fence up is a hard thing for me. My thoughts tell me to just tell people no sometimes, but my mouth always seems to say yes. Being everything for everyone is impossible and can leave me disappointed. Putting up this kind of fence is not a bad thing. In fact, I need it. My yard has been looking a little dry these days. I feel like I am on the right track to having a beautiful yard. Better days are ahead.

How is your yard looking?

Jon McLaughlin

For Valentines Day I get to go to another concert with my man (I am SO lucky!). This time we are going to see Jon McLaughlin in Chicago at the House of Blues on Feb 20th!
He is not very well known yet, but is getting there. One of his older songs that you may know is Beautiful Disaster.
Jon plays the piano and has an overall chill sound without putting you to sleep. Trevor has seen him live once before and said that he was really good. I cant wait to go. Plus he is not bad to look at :)
Check out Jon McLaughlin or see my Artists to watch out for list!

no title

"Yes, losing your heart's desire is tragic. But gaining your heart's desire? That's all you can hope for. This year I prayed for love... to immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic, then give me tragedy. Because I wouldn't give it back for the world."

oh christian college

I struggle with a lot of things here at christian college. Something that has bothered me a lot lately is singing worship. To me, I worship to God instead of about God. I know that most songs are about God but I think that it should not be about singing to each other. On this note, I cannot understand why people take off their hats in prayer and not during the whole service. This can be taken one step further to saying that if God is with us at all times, why ever wear hats. I do not think that God is absent when people wear hats, so I do not see the point in taking them off. Reverence and everything makes sense, but I do not think God is any less pleased with the offering of our hearts in worship when hats are worn.

Something I also struggle with here is the popular words. I don't think I have ever heard so many "christian" cool words in my life. This frustrates me because it is just so silly and half the time the words are not even in context. They are used for spicing up language and not to help explain anything. So pointless.

I also have a hard time with the people and profs on this campus that are placed on a higher pedestal than the others. I believe that there are a lot of good people here, not just the "famous" ones. I guess this is just me running against the grain but it is something that really really bothers me. It is fine for someone to have their favorite prof but when there are the elite ones who can do no wrong on a campus where everyone is striving for the same thing, it is no good.

I recently have realized that being at a christian college has not strengthened my relationship with God. Do not get me wrong, I have learned so much in my time here but my relationship with God is suffering. My classes spend so much time in the Word that I don't really feel like doing it on my own anymore. This is something that I recognize as not good. As a result of this, my other relationships are suffering. Also not good.

There are a lot of other things that have been eating at me the past few months. I will save those for another time.

ps. This is the most open I have been on my blog... I am working on being more open in general. I figured I would start here. It is a lot of work keeping to myself all the time.