when the rain comes

When the rain comes it seems that everyone has
gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes
you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades
you know that rain must fall
on everyone
Rest awhile
it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do
When the rain comes
I will hold you

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

100%

People always say to give 100% in whatever you do. Who is anyone else to say that I am not giving 100%? I think it is possible for people to be giving all they have and still not measuring up to their previous performances.

I could...

I could stand up and sing you a song
But I don't want to have to go that far and I
I've got you down, I know you by heart
And you don't even know where I start
Talk to yourself, talk to the tears
Talk to the man who put you here
Don't wait for the sky to clear

cheap trick

"I want you to want me.

I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me."

I think Cheap Trick was onto something great with this. Those four little lines from their song are what every person (girls especially) wants. It's pretty sad what people will do in order to feel wanted/needed/loved. Dont let today go by without letting someone know you want/need/love them.

when the tables are turned

Asking for forgiveness for something big is humbling for a few reasons.

1. It definitely is hard to say sorry and admit that you are not perfect. There is no room for pride.
2. It is a good reminder of how it feels to be on the other side of things. It is good to be able to remember how it feels to want so badly to be forgiven. That feeling of helplessness and just waiting in hopes of things being restored.
3. You are not in control. How the other person reacts to the whole thing is not up to you. You can only decide what you will do from there.
3. Because when things are turned back the other direction, it will be easier to forgive others.
4. It reminds you that you are not perfect and therefore draws you closer to the One that is perfect. Only His peace will get you through the waiting period.
5. Your timing is not always the other persons timing. True forgiveness is not measured by a standard timing- it may take the other person longer than you would like.

*This is obviously something I am learning this week. When looking at the forgiveness I long for from someone on earth, I cant help but think of the forgiveness given by the Lord. He does not have to but chooses to. It is truly amazing the love that God has for us-that he would forgive us no matter how many times we fail. That should produce a humbleness that brings me to my knees every single day.

Patience

"I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you

I dont care if that's not fair"

Today's lesson: it is important to see people for who they are in all seasons of life. Not just when things are peachy. If you can still love them after that, you win. Patience will get you to the end. Know of a place where I can get some of those?

Now I'm not so sure

Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest
Made you run and hide like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute
Now I'm not so sure

So here's to everything, coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute
But I don't anymore

words

I'd rather have sticks and stones
And broken bones
Than the words you say to me
Cause I know bruises heal
And cuts will seal
But your words beat the life out of me

pictures

Erin and I on the way to a soccer game.

The girls getting some dinner before classes start.

Waiting for our soccer game to start. Me, Erin and Mallory in the back. Thanks Mal.

Lauren, me, and my roommate Brooke at CIY this summer.

On the lake. I was about to crash into a boat.

Blake, Calvin, Emily and me jumping off the two story boat....so scary.
Well, this has been my life for the last month or so. Its been pretty fun being me lately.

It's beating...

Its beating..
For months all I wanted was for it to stop beating. If it stopped beating then it stopped hurting. I found a way to make it stop for a while. That was called stuff. I filled my life with stuff. Stuff was great for a little bit. But I got bored with stuff and realized it was not the best company. So I tried the company of some other things like friends and books. Just like before, I became weary and burnt out. I could not handle friends. They became needy and clingy just like a bad girlfriend. Books made my head hurt because of how much time I spent with them. So I dropped them like they were hot. What was left? What could get it beating without hurting? Nothing worked. I failed again. Neat. So I decided to try out trust. Trust has burned me before but it was the only thing that made sense. Trust took me a while to warm up to. After that stage, trust became all I knew. This was so strange. To get it beating again I needed to do the thing that made it hurt. So I was on my own after I had to leave trust. I had to leave trust and go back to what I thought was darkness. However, when I arrived at the place I knew as darkness, it was only filled with light and a few clouds. Never completely dark. I pray that it will never be completely filled with darkness again. It beats like a rap song. Inconsistent and to the tune of whatever I am doing. The beat needs to be steady and consistent. Its almost beating to the tune I choose. Almost. Not yet. Soon.

with every goodbye...

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaving. And company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to realize that kisses aren’t contracts, and presents aren’t promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans. And futures have a way of falling down in mid flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong and you can endure. And that you do have worth. With every goodbye, you learn.

better man

"Its hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying."

Do you want to be healed?

In John 5, Jesus asks the man who is sick if he wants to be healed. This part of the story always stuck out to me. It seemed like a silly question. Well of course he wanted to be healed. Why else would he be there? This man has been miserable for so long and would clearly want to be healed. But then I started to go deeper with this. What does being healed mean for him? It means that he has to live life and leave his comfort zone. The man has been this way for 38 years. Talk about a comfort zone. He is going to have to start completely over and learn to live.

I thought of this in terms of my own life. Do I want to be healed? Do I truly in my heart of hearts want to be healed from all the crap in my life. It may just be easier to keep carrying these burdens and regrets. Being healed would mean starting over. It would also mean that I would be whole again. Being whole again is a scary thing. Something whole can be broken. If I remain broken, there is nothing left to break. Therefore, I am safe. Right?

Wrong. John 10:10 tells me that I am supposed to have life and life to the fullest. Being broken is not living that out. Brokenness should not leave me content. It should leave me thirsting to be restored. It should leave me on my knees daily, asking God to restore my life.

Best Wedding Entrance EVER

I absolutely LOVE this.
-also, notice the woman minister :)

Fired Up!

This is the video that I made today. It is to advertise for Fired Up.

This is a Jr High event that goes on during vacation bible school.

We filmed this morning and then I spent most of the day editing and

adding music to make it pretty. I loved working on this video today

and it was the best way to finish out my week. Let me enlighten you

on a few things so this video makes sense. Purple-ing: boys are blue.

girls are pink. dont make purple. Also, Blake is in love with cookies

and everyone knows it. That is why we are going to have a cookie

dough making/eating contest. Pictures of the event will be posted!

dare to dream

Blake sent this to me today and I thought it was awesome. He has been teaching me a lot about dreams and visions for my life. Something important that I have learned is that until your dream is made ready for others to hear, dont share it. If you share it too early, people are going to shoot it down. I have had this happen a lot this summer. I made the mistake of broadcasting a dream or goal for my life. Because it was foreign to the people I was sharing with, they laughed. Laughing at someones dream is just not nice. Luckily, I dont easily quit or back down. Like the kid in this video, I wanted to just put my dream in a plastic bag and be done with it. And at times I have mentally done that. I have mentally reduced myself to something less than my potential.

Something else that he taught me is that it is important to have "small wins". I rarely make short term goals. All I can think about is long term and large projects. He showed me the importance of having those little wins along the way. This may help with feeling defeated or inadequate before actually reaching the end of a goal.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Eleanor Roosevelt

I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
W.B. Yeats

anything but ordinary

**This is a joke...I dont really think this about myself...just so we are clear :)

My whole life I have held myself to a higher standard than those around me. I never settle for anything less than the best. I try to separate myself with others by my grades, my music, work, my art and almost any other aspect of myself. I don't hold others to the standards i set for myself because I find that it only leads to disappointment. Surprisingly, I don't think better of myself compared to others because of my need for excellence.

Last week I was disappointed in myself. I got a speeding ticket. To everyone else this is not a big deal but it really sucked for me. It closed one more gap between me and other people. It seems like this past year a lot of gaps I had were closed and I am becoming more and more ordinary. That is what it seems like but I know this to be false. I will not give up on my standards but continue to learn grace when I am not perfect. That is something that I struggle with most. I have a lot of justice in me and very little grace. I know full well that I deserved that ticket. The officer was super nice and chatted with me about my summer internship (since he pulled me over in the church parking lot) and then kindly handed me my ticket. How nice.

derf and blerf

I went to a wedding. This is michelle gabbard and emily. Love them.

This is me finishing up a paint war. It was sooo fun. I am on the far left and soaking wet.

I got bangs. Sometimes i like them, sometimes i dont. This moment, I dont. We will see.

1. I am building relationships with a few older girls in the youth group. It is awesome to finally be able to pour into someones life and see the transformation. I have always been bad when it comes to carrying others burdens, which happens a lot in ministry I am finding out. This is something that I am having to learn very quickly.

2. Overall, I have worked the most with Blake, the Jr. High minister, and really admire him. I have a lot left to learn from him and how he runs his ministry. I am looking forward to the rest of the summer with all the staff and students. Every minute of my job is great and I would not change it for the world. I am so lucky to get paid to learn and do what I love most in life.

3. I am scared to go back to school. I think I'll just stay here.

4. We all put God in a box based on the scope of our faith, understanding, and spiritual freedom. Is your box getting bigger or smaller? I am trying daily to make mine bigger.

5. Watching the homerun derby was not so much fun. I usually love baseball but it seemed boring this year. However, I loved loved loved the all star game. I fell back in love with baseball when I watched that game.

6. I get to go to Oregon in two weeks and I could not be more excited. I feel so alive when I am there. It will be awesome to hang with my cousins and shoot some hoops. (i sound like I am good at basketball, nope. Im not)

7. Words that I have been saying non-stop: derf and blerf. neat. intentional.

8. I have started running again. It is so hot here that I cant make it super far without getting heat stroke. I love exercising and feeling good about myself.

when you're hurt

"When you're hurt in a relationship, when the unfailing love you desired bails on you, a wave of bitterness can wash into the void. And when that bitterness takes over, watch out. When resentment rolls around inside you, you begin to turn into an angry, distant, cynical, oversensitive, ticked-off-at-the-world kind of person. You become withdrawn. You become selfish. You become self-absorbed. You grow distant. You're distrustful and even a bit paranoid. When bitterness hacks into your life, it really messes you up." - Mike Breaux

"Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple." - Job 5:2

I have been thinking about this quote from Breaux a lot lately. I am working so hard to not let this description become a reality for my life. I can admit that it has not been an easy struggle and it is something that I have to decide every single day. Giving in to all those things would be way easier but would result in being messed up. That is something that is harder to bounce back from. Id rather smile when I want to cry and work every day to get past the crappy part of broken relationships. Just like Annie says, "You're never fully dressed without a smile"!