the dark.

I was driving with a friend tonight and saw a tree in the middle of nowhere. When I first saw the tree I immediately questioned why this tree was all alone. But then I looked at the color of the tree up against the night sky behind it. Without the tree, I would have thought that the sky looked really dark tonight. With the tree, I noticed that the tree was darker than the moonlit sky behind it. Being in Lincoln, Illinois, there are no lights or hotels anywhere. Everything is extremely dark as soon as the sun goes down. It was so dark that if I didnt know better, I would have thought that the tree was black. As we kept driving the headlights lit up the tree and it no longer held that deep darkness. When light was shining upon it, it was not black at all.

All of this sounds insignificant but then I thought about my own life. In the cornfields of Illinois, I have always felt like that desolate tree. I really don't look like the other trees but sometimes it could appear that way. From afar, the tree I saw, and myself, look just like all the others. But if you get close enough, with just the right light, the tree is very unique and not as dark as I thought it was...

Being on a Christian campus has made me feel a little less bright, and perhaps a little dull or even dark at times. I don't stand out because I am not the smartest or the funniest or the most creative or the most --fill in the blank--. I am used to being all those things. I am used to being the tree that always had light shining upon it because I was different than the rest. Everyone knew my potential and capabilities. Everyone knew what I was great at and trusted me with great things. But coming here has made me that tree, alone, and dark. Not different from the rest. At first I liked blending in and not standing out in any way shape or form. But after a while, I needed that shine. I needed to know that I am not the same as the hundreds of people on this campus. That I am different. So I decided to be different in a way I had not tried before. I became the girl that smoked cigars and did things that was unexpected (nothing terrible...don't worry). I tried to let boys be the ones that shined the light on me and made me have that feeling of standing out. We all know that never works.

And tonight it finally clicked. On this campus I will not shine any brighter next to another shiny person. Its only when I am put in the darkness that I will shine. So I just need to hold on until the right headlights come and let me shine, all the while knowing that I am capable of shining. So for now I will be that tree..alone but somehow not quite set apart from the other trees.

Matthew 5:14
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden."