At 17 I left home and spread my wings. I have been so blessed as I follow where this crazy life has led me. As I come close to deciding where this girl is gonna settle down, where? is a question I am asked most often. Every place I have been now has a little piece of my heart. Some more than others. So if home really is where the heart is...then we have a problem. Vegas, Oregon, Cali, Lincoln, Dallas, and Amarillo are not exactly close to each other. My prayer is that it will become clear to me in this next year where these roots need to be planted and I also pray that wherever that may be, that just maybe it will be in a place that already has a little bit of my heart or that God will make me perfectly content if it is somewhere new.

Growing up? No thanks.

Growing up scares me. I know that I am still young but I cant help but think that I will never be a kid again. Thinking back to high school, I would do anything to just have one week of those days back. Im sure once I leave college I will wish I could have a week of this time back. Today is just one of those days where I miss home a ton and wish I could live with all my brothers again and play soccer for my high school and go to classes and mess around with my friends.

I still have about a year and a half left of college so I am not sure why I am having a high speed come apart about this. Maybe its because I am going on my internship in a few weeks. I am so excited and lucky to be going but I am sad to leave everything behind and start new again. I know I am not leaving things here for good because I will be back in the winter, but it is still hard. There is so much unknown and it is not really that fun to think that I while I am stressing about all these things, time is steadily moving forward. Not only am I worried about the future but I am wasting the time I have now by worrying about the future.

I just need to give it to God. I need to remember that not even my next breath is guaranteed to me unless God says so. No sense in worrying about something that is not even mine in the first place. Easier said than done though.

I dont really ever get angry...but tonight I was

Tonight something happened that really just didnt sit right with me. No one really ever reads this blog so I feel like its fine to talk about it here...then maybe I wont care as much.

Last year I was told that I could be a manager for the baseball team here at school. This year rolls around and I sign up to go on the mission trip with them. We had a blast and I grew to appreciate each guy on the team. Tonight we had a follow-up meeting where we talked about life after being back from the Dominican Republic. After the meeting, the coach pulled me aside and told me that I would not be helping out with the team anymore. His reasoning is because a few of the guys came forward on our mission trip and said that they didn't feel comfortable around me because they are friends with my ex-boyfriend. He used to play on the team but is now graduated and doesn't even live close to school.

The reason this makes me so upset is because I am very intentional about what I say or do when my ex-boyfriend is brought up. I strongly believe that how I act in those situations is a reflection of my character. I honestly have no idea why it would make some of the guys on the team uncomfortable. I respect their friendships and would never want to take away from that, but at the same time I think there needs to be a level of maturity to where people that were not in the relationship should be over the relationship when both of us have already moved on.

I don't mind that I cant travel with the team anymore, but I would rather my character not be put into question by the assumption that it would be awkward to have his ex-girlfriend on the trips. I would never dream of having them choose sides. That is immature.

I hate that something that was so hurtful in the past is continuously present even when I have chosen to move on. Some people just need to let go and grow up. We are pretty much adults and it is time to start acting like it.

Phew I'm glad I got that out. I dont feel quite as mad now.

texas

Welp, it is true, everything is bigger and better in Texas. And I am lucky enough to get to do my official school internship there! YE-YUH! The last summer I spent in Texas was seriously the best summer of my life. I will never forget the friendships made and things learned in that summer. When I left, I didnt know if I would ever get the opportunity to go back to that beautiful state. And this is my public statement committing to Hillside Christian Church in Amarillo TX.

I am super nervous and a little bit freaked to be going on my official internship. Mainly because that means I am getting old and I will actually have to go out into this big bad world and do something with myself. Also because commitments stress me out a little bit. The future is a scary thing for me. Now, I still have a year and a half left of school. But I cant help but feel the pressure of the looming question, "so what are you going to do once you graduate?" Heck if I know. I know that I love jr high ministry and that I love being around people and I love creative arts. We will see where that takes me. But for right now, I am seriously the luckiest girl in the world to be going to a school with awesome friends and about to have an awesome adventure in Texas...again.

God is faithful and I know that the next few years are going to be so awesome.
Psalm 121
^"1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? ² My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.³ He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; ⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.⁵ The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand; ⁶ the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; ⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

all for you

This is what I think God would say to me right now..

“you are beautiful.
you have a big heart, full of love to give.
give it. give it all. and when it’s empty, i’ll fill it back up for you to give some more.
i created you to love and love like i love you and you haven’t been doing that.
love til it hurts. then let me bandage the wound and continue.
i’ve brought you this far. i’ve brought you this far and you think i’m gonna let you go?
there’s no way i could do that. i love you too much.
you been thru much worse. and look at you. i’ve picked you up and dusted you off.
you are gorgeous. i made you that way. you think i made a mistake?
i put every freckle on your cheeks. i put every speck of color in your blue eyes.
you think you’re chubby? so what. i think you’re beautiful.
you see those mountains? those trees and the bushes that surround them?
i did that.
every mountain. every rock. every patch of grass. every cloud hovering above.
all for you. with more love than you could ever fathom.
there’s that one man you think you love, but what’s the point if he doesn’t love you and appreciate everything that i made you to be?
it’s wasted.
know that i have created someone for you that loves every small detail about you that i do.
he’s out there. don’t be afraid to wait for him. i promise he’s worth it.
you have so much love and life to give and you’re keeping it all to yourself.
why? what are you scared of?
don’t be afraid of being open.
don’t be afraid of being let down.
people let me down daily. but i love relentlessly.
because i know people’s true hearts.
and yours is no exception.
you believe in people. and i love that about you.
why? because i made you that way.
i created you with a personality that reaches many. don’t be shy.
let that light shine. it’s a pure and loving light.
why question who you are? and why let others allow you to do that?
you know you’re on the right path.
you know what’s works for you.
and you know what i expect of you.
keep to that path and you’ll be just fine.
i love you, beautiful daughter. and don’t ever forget that.”

still I will praise You

my heart longs to love You. to love You more than anything in this world. i long for You to be the God of my heart, mind and actions.

yet i feel like i am drowning. i feel like You have left my side. a broken heart and loneliness are my constant companions. will the sun ever shine on me again?

but still i know You are faithful. You have brought me through trials before. Your love and grace are constantly poured on my like a streaming waterfall.

hear my cry to you God. fill my life again. restore my heart and give me a deep passion for You. may Your face shine upon me and make your presence known to me.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18

"I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on. And there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes, still I will praise You. Still I will praise You."

plus 1

Lately it seems as if I am the only person that does not have someone else. Almost as if everyone got picked in the relationship gym class and there was too many people so they asked me to keep score till the game was over. All this to say that sometimes it is hard to be on a campus where everyone has a someone. I used to have a someone so I guess that is why I long for it...I know what it is like to be someone's someone. I dont think this longing will ever go away unless I decide to be content with just being me without a plus one attached. And I mean truly content. Not the content like staying in on a Friday night and being ok with it...but the day in and day out walking alone no one to say goodnight to type of content.

Sometimes I think that God is the only one in the whole world that will ever love me and never leave. And that is probably true. So sometimes when I'm walking on campus and there are couples everywhere holding hands and laughing together, I picture Jesus with me. Im sure this is not completely Biblical or whatever...but I picture Him walking with me and holding my hand. That way I dont feel like I am missing out on as much. I say goodnight to Jesus and although the romantic part of things is not there...the relationship part is. It makes things a little less sucky for now. So I will be patient until the image of Jesus walking with me can be replaced by a man that will love me and be my somebody.

who I was, am and will be.

There is such a difference in those three. I was so happy and confident in who I was. This year's first semester was the best semester of college for me. Life was easy and I had everything I wanted. But then I stopped trying. I stopped my daily routine and eventually changed. I let someone else take the drivers seat in my life and things got out of control. I changed into who I am now. Who I am now is not good. I am not proud of the things I have done or how I have treated people. I lost my focus and drive in life. Instead of independent and confident, I became dependent and unsure. When I look at myself, I dont even recognize the person I have become.

But I am done. I do not have to be confined to who I have been lately. I know who I will be.
I will be strong
I will live for an audience of one
I will be confident in who God has made me to be
I will be content with whatever situation
I will be beautiful on the inside and outside
I will be driven by my goals and passions
I will be fun and caring
I will be patient (this one is going to forever be a work in progress)
I will be

Who I Wish You Were...

I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were

It ain't hard to see
Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn't soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I'm mesmerized by the picture that's in my mind

Tell me when I'll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
'Cause I don't want to keep on believin' in illusions

A Little Bit Stronger

the dark.

I was driving with a friend tonight and saw a tree in the middle of nowhere. When I first saw the tree I immediately questioned why this tree was all alone. But then I looked at the color of the tree up against the night sky behind it. Without the tree, I would have thought that the sky looked really dark tonight. With the tree, I noticed that the tree was darker than the moonlit sky behind it. Being in Lincoln, Illinois, there are no lights or hotels anywhere. Everything is extremely dark as soon as the sun goes down. It was so dark that if I didnt know better, I would have thought that the tree was black. As we kept driving the headlights lit up the tree and it no longer held that deep darkness. When light was shining upon it, it was not black at all.

All of this sounds insignificant but then I thought about my own life. In the cornfields of Illinois, I have always felt like that desolate tree. I really don't look like the other trees but sometimes it could appear that way. From afar, the tree I saw, and myself, look just like all the others. But if you get close enough, with just the right light, the tree is very unique and not as dark as I thought it was...

Being on a Christian campus has made me feel a little less bright, and perhaps a little dull or even dark at times. I don't stand out because I am not the smartest or the funniest or the most creative or the most --fill in the blank--. I am used to being all those things. I am used to being the tree that always had light shining upon it because I was different than the rest. Everyone knew my potential and capabilities. Everyone knew what I was great at and trusted me with great things. But coming here has made me that tree, alone, and dark. Not different from the rest. At first I liked blending in and not standing out in any way shape or form. But after a while, I needed that shine. I needed to know that I am not the same as the hundreds of people on this campus. That I am different. So I decided to be different in a way I had not tried before. I became the girl that smoked cigars and did things that was unexpected (nothing terrible...don't worry). I tried to let boys be the ones that shined the light on me and made me have that feeling of standing out. We all know that never works.

And tonight it finally clicked. On this campus I will not shine any brighter next to another shiny person. Its only when I am put in the darkness that I will shine. So I just need to hold on until the right headlights come and let me shine, all the while knowing that I am capable of shining. So for now I will be that tree..alone but somehow not quite set apart from the other trees.

Matthew 5:14
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden."

just me

I hate the feeling of being tied down. I was in a relationship with a wonderful guy and never realized how tied down I was. How tied down I made myself. If you know me at all you know that I am so independent and love to do things on my own. For some reason I thought that being in a relationship meant I had to give that up. I thought I had to be the perfect Christian girlfriend and let him be my night in shining armor in order for it to work out. I changed almost every single part of me in fear of losing someone that I really loved. It really is true that "One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it." Giving everything I had to make the relationship what I thought he wanted ended up in disappointment and left me unhappy. I can never change who I am and still be happy. There was just all that pressure to be perfect so that in exactly 2 years we will be married, like everyone else on this campus. Voices around me told me that it was time to settle down and get super serious with him. In my heart all I wanted was to have fun and be in love with someone as great as the guy I had. All day I could play the “what if” game. The game where I say, what if I would have been myself the entire time? What if I had not done this or that? Would we still be together? Would I truly have been able to learn all this if he hadn't broken up with me? I think it took all the pain for me to realize all of this. Come to find out, half of the things I thought I wanted were all just pressure from outside people telling me what I should be doing. They tell me that I should have had certain talks with him by a certain time in our relationship. Or that he should be doing this or that. I know he was not perfect, but if I had been my own person, things would have been different.

Through it all, I am thankful. I do not regret one thing because it got me to the place I am now. I now know that if at the end of the day I do not love myself, I can’t expect anyone else to love me either. The only way I can love myself is if I am my own person. I pray that one day God will put a man in my life that I can love and will love me for me. Whether that is the same guy or a completely new person, I am trusting that God has an awesome plan for my life.

I should have...

Boy it's been all this time
And I can't get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me

I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I've prayed for you to say

I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

My friends think I'm moving on
But the truth is I'm not that strong
And nobody knows it but me

And I've kept all the words you said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

But if you're happy I'll get through somehow

i dont wear a halo...

I never promised you a ray of light,
I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday,
I give you everything I have, the good, the bad.
Why do you put me on a pedestal,
I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below,
So help me down you've got it wrong, I don't belong there.

One thing is clear,
I wear a halo,
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here, you wouldn't say so
you wouldn't say so, if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,

I always said that I would make mistakes,
I'm only human, and that's my saving grace,
I fall as hard as I try
So don't be blinded
See me as I really am, I have flaws and sometimes I even sin,
so pull me from that pedestal,
I don't belong there.

a stronger woman

From now on I am gonna be
The kind of woman I want my daughter to be

I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
Won't lose myself again
never, no
Cause there's a stronger woman,
a stronger woman in me

when the rain comes

When the rain comes it seems that everyone has
gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't
find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away

When the rain comes
you blame it on the things that
you have done
When the storm fades
you know that rain must fall
on everyone
Rest awhile
it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do
When the rain comes
I will hold you

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

100%

People always say to give 100% in whatever you do. Who is anyone else to say that I am not giving 100%? I think it is possible for people to be giving all they have and still not measuring up to their previous performances. I think all anyone can ask of a person is for them to give the best they can at that time. Sometimes people go through things in life that do not allow them to give 100% to something. It is not always their fault. It is everyone's job not to point out what they are not doing, but rather look through their lens. If they are struggling with life, telling them to give what they used to is not right. It will only leave them feeling lower than before. Defeated.

Then I started thinking about a relationship. I find that most struggles are because one person believes the other is not giving their all. I am not saying that anyone should lower their standards and be bullied. But I am saying that I am learning how important it is to understand that 100% is not always what I think it is. I guess it leaves me thankful. Thankful for the little things and for the fact that although things are not the way they used to be, I am being given someone's 100% with what they have. That is all I can ask. It is not my place to ask for more. It would be like the STL Blues (hockey) almost winning the stanley cup. They would have given 100% to just get to that position. You cant be mad at that. If at the end of the day both are willing to be ok with the level of 100% they are receiving, things are fine.

I could...

I could stand up and sing you a song
But I don't want to have to go that far and I
I've got you down, I know you by heart
And you don't even know where I start
Talk to yourself, talk to the tears
Talk to the man who put you here
Don't wait for the sky to clear

cheap trick

"I want you to want me.

I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me."

I think Cheap Trick was onto something great with this. Those four little lines from their song are what every person (girls especially) wants. It's pretty sad what people will do in order to feel wanted/needed/loved. Dont let today go by without letting someone know you want/need/love them.

when the tables are turned

Asking for forgiveness for something big is humbling for a few reasons.

1. It definitely is hard to say sorry and admit that you are not perfect. There is no room for pride.
2. It is a good reminder of how it feels to be on the other side of things. It is good to be able to remember how it feels to want so badly to be forgiven. That feeling of helplessness and just waiting in hopes of things being restored.
3. You are not in control. How the other person reacts to the whole thing is not up to you. You can only decide what you will do from there.
3. Because when things are turned back the other direction, it will be easier to forgive others.
4. It reminds you that you are not perfect and therefore draws you closer to the One that is perfect. Only His peace will get you through the waiting period.
5. Your timing is not always the other persons timing. True forgiveness is not measured by a standard timing- it may take the other person longer than you would like.

*This is obviously something I am learning this week. When looking at the forgiveness I long for from someone on earth, I cant help but think of the forgiveness given by the Lord. He does not have to but chooses to. It is truly amazing the love that God has for us-that he would forgive us no matter how many times we fail. That should produce a humbleness that brings me to my knees every single day.