Patience

"I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you

I dont care if that's not fair"

Today's lesson: it is important to see people for who they are in all seasons of life. Not just when things are peachy. If you can still love them after that, you win. Patience will get you to the end. Know of a place where I can get some of those?

Now I'm not so sure

Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest
Made you run and hide like a scared little boy?
I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute
Now I'm not so sure

So here's to everything, coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute
But I don't anymore

words

I'd rather have sticks and stones
And broken bones
Than the words you say to me
Cause I know bruises heal
And cuts will seal
But your words beat the life out of me

pictures

Erin and I on the way to a soccer game.

The girls getting some dinner before classes start.

Waiting for our soccer game to start. Me, Erin and Mallory in the back. Thanks Mal.

Lauren, me, and my roommate Brooke at CIY this summer.

On the lake. I was about to crash into a boat.

Blake, Calvin, Emily and me jumping off the two story boat....so scary.
Well, this has been my life for the last month or so. Its been pretty fun being me lately.

It's beating...

Its beating..
For months all I wanted was for it to stop beating. If it stopped beating then it stopped hurting. I found a way to make it stop for a while. That was called stuff. I filled my life with stuff. Stuff was great for a little bit. But I got bored with stuff and realized it was not the best company. So I tried the company of some other things like friends and books. Just like before, I became weary and burnt out. I could not handle friends. They became needy and clingy just like a bad girlfriend. Books made my head hurt because of how much time I spent with them. So I dropped them like they were hot. What was left? What could get it beating without hurting? Nothing worked. I failed again. Neat. So I decided to try out trust. Trust has burned me before but it was the only thing that made sense. Trust took me a while to warm up to. After that stage, trust became all I knew. This was so strange. To get it beating again I needed to do the thing that made it hurt. So I was on my own after I had to leave trust. I had to leave trust and go back to what I thought was darkness. However, when I arrived at the place I knew as darkness, it was only filled with light and a few clouds. Never completely dark. I pray that it will never be completely filled with darkness again. It beats like a rap song. Inconsistent and to the tune of whatever I am doing. The beat needs to be steady and consistent. Its almost beating to the tune I choose. Almost. Not yet. Soon.

with every goodbye...

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaving. And company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to realize that kisses aren’t contracts, and presents aren’t promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans. And futures have a way of falling down in mid flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong and you can endure. And that you do have worth. With every goodbye, you learn.

better man

"Its hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying."

Do you want to be healed?

In John 5, Jesus asks the man who is sick if he wants to be healed. This part of the story always stuck out to me. It seemed like a silly question. Well of course he wanted to be healed. Why else would he be there? This man has been miserable for so long and would clearly want to be healed. But then I started to go deeper with this. What does being healed mean for him? It means that he has to live life and leave his comfort zone. The man has been this way for 38 years. Talk about a comfort zone. He is going to have to start completely over and learn to live.

I thought of this in terms of my own life. Do I want to be healed? Do I truly in my heart of hearts want to be healed from all the crap in my life. It may just be easier to keep carrying these burdens and regrets. Being healed would mean starting over. It would also mean that I would be whole again. Being whole again is a scary thing. Something whole can be broken. If I remain broken, there is nothing left to break. Therefore, I am safe. Right?

Wrong. John 10:10 tells me that I am supposed to have life and life to the fullest. Being broken is not living that out. Brokenness should not leave me content. It should leave me thirsting to be restored. It should leave me on my knees daily, asking God to restore my life.

Best Wedding Entrance EVER

I absolutely LOVE this.
-also, notice the woman minister :)

Fired Up!

This is the video that I made today. It is to advertise for Fired Up.

This is a Jr High event that goes on during vacation bible school.

We filmed this morning and then I spent most of the day editing and

adding music to make it pretty. I loved working on this video today

and it was the best way to finish out my week. Let me enlighten you

on a few things so this video makes sense. Purple-ing: boys are blue.

girls are pink. dont make purple. Also, Blake is in love with cookies

and everyone knows it. That is why we are going to have a cookie

dough making/eating contest. Pictures of the event will be posted!

dare to dream

Blake sent this to me today and I thought it was awesome. He has been teaching me a lot about dreams and visions for my life. Something important that I have learned is that until your dream is made ready for others to hear, dont share it. If you share it too early, people are going to shoot it down. I have had this happen a lot this summer. I made the mistake of broadcasting a dream or goal for my life. Because it was foreign to the people I was sharing with, they laughed. Laughing at someones dream is just not nice. Luckily, I dont easily quit or back down. Like the kid in this video, I wanted to just put my dream in a plastic bag and be done with it. And at times I have mentally done that. I have mentally reduced myself to something less than my potential.

Something else that he taught me is that it is important to have "small wins". I rarely make short term goals. All I can think about is long term and large projects. He showed me the importance of having those little wins along the way. This may help with feeling defeated or inadequate before actually reaching the end of a goal.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Eleanor Roosevelt

I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
W.B. Yeats

anything but ordinary

**This is a joke...I dont really think this about myself...just so we are clear :)

My whole life I have held myself to a higher standard than those around me. I never settle for anything less than the best. I try to separate myself with others by my grades, my music, work, my art and almost any other aspect of myself. I don't hold others to the standards i set for myself because I find that it only leads to disappointment. Surprisingly, I don't think better of myself compared to others because of my need for excellence.

Last week I was disappointed in myself. I got a speeding ticket. To everyone else this is not a big deal but it really sucked for me. It closed one more gap between me and other people. It seems like this past year a lot of gaps I had were closed and I am becoming more and more ordinary. That is what it seems like but I know this to be false. I will not give up on my standards but continue to learn grace when I am not perfect. That is something that I struggle with most. I have a lot of justice in me and very little grace. I know full well that I deserved that ticket. The officer was super nice and chatted with me about my summer internship (since he pulled me over in the church parking lot) and then kindly handed me my ticket. How nice.

derf and blerf

I went to a wedding. This is michelle gabbard and emily. Love them.

This is me finishing up a paint war. It was sooo fun. I am on the far left and soaking wet.

I got bangs. Sometimes i like them, sometimes i dont. This moment, I dont. We will see.

1. I am building relationships with a few older girls in the youth group. It is awesome to finally be able to pour into someones life and see the transformation. I have always been bad when it comes to carrying others burdens, which happens a lot in ministry I am finding out. This is something that I am having to learn very quickly.

2. Overall, I have worked the most with Blake, the Jr. High minister, and really admire him. I have a lot left to learn from him and how he runs his ministry. I am looking forward to the rest of the summer with all the staff and students. Every minute of my job is great and I would not change it for the world. I am so lucky to get paid to learn and do what I love most in life.

3. I am scared to go back to school. I think I'll just stay here.

4. We all put God in a box based on the scope of our faith, understanding, and spiritual freedom. Is your box getting bigger or smaller? I am trying daily to make mine bigger.

5. Watching the homerun derby was not so much fun. I usually love baseball but it seemed boring this year. However, I loved loved loved the all star game. I fell back in love with baseball when I watched that game.

6. I get to go to Oregon in two weeks and I could not be more excited. I feel so alive when I am there. It will be awesome to hang with my cousins and shoot some hoops. (i sound like I am good at basketball, nope. Im not)

7. Words that I have been saying non-stop: derf and blerf. neat. intentional.

8. I have started running again. It is so hot here that I cant make it super far without getting heat stroke. I love exercising and feeling good about myself.

when you're hurt

"When you're hurt in a relationship, when the unfailing love you desired bails on you, a wave of bitterness can wash into the void. And when that bitterness takes over, watch out. When resentment rolls around inside you, you begin to turn into an angry, distant, cynical, oversensitive, ticked-off-at-the-world kind of person. You become withdrawn. You become selfish. You become self-absorbed. You grow distant. You're distrustful and even a bit paranoid. When bitterness hacks into your life, it really messes you up." - Mike Breaux

"Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple." - Job 5:2

I have been thinking about this quote from Breaux a lot lately. I am working so hard to not let this description become a reality for my life. I can admit that it has not been an easy struggle and it is something that I have to decide every single day. Giving in to all those things would be way easier but would result in being messed up. That is something that is harder to bounce back from. Id rather smile when I want to cry and work every day to get past the crappy part of broken relationships. Just like Annie says, "You're never fully dressed without a smile"!

quick recap

First off, I think that I am writing to no one. I do not think that anyone reads this, so does that make me crazy writing things that I hope people will read, but knowing fully that no one ever does? I dont think so. I hope not.

well here is a little update of my life. I went to Durango Colorado for the CIY conference. There were so many cool things about that trip I could not fit them all into one post. I love those students so much. I really do have a passion for high schoolers. One of the cool things we did while we were there is white water rafting. It was soo fun..until Lauren Neese hit me in the nose with her paddle. It turned out to be funny but my nose swelled and bruised. Luckily no brokenness occurred. The ride back from the trip was crazy. 18 hour trip took 26 hours- 2 broken down busses, 1 emergency room visit, 4 busses pulled over by the cops in the middle of the night, 4 hour wait with 200 students in a restaurant at 4 in the morning, and big smiles as I finally got off the bus.

I have been able to build relationships with some of the students here. I mostly hang out with the Selinger girls. One of them is in high school and the other is in jr high. They are great girls with so much potential. I have had some awesome days back at the office since being back from my trip. I feel like I know the people that I am working with pretty well and we get to have a great time while getting some work done. These next few days are going to be crazy busy (every day seems to be crazy busy for me!) with getting ready for events at the church, volunteering at a wedding, hanging out with students, putting on events and just learning as much as possible.

this is just a brief overview of what I have done in the last two weeks. I love my life and my job.

jr high camp . host family . life in general

Maddy is one of the kids I live with. She is 4 and super cute. We are really goofy all the time and I love it. One of her favorite things is to take pictures on my computer. Random fact: Little kids are funny and I decided that I want kids for sure. Girl-first name Peyton. Boy-middle name Alan.
This is a picture of my group at jr high camp. They were all 8th graders and I loved being their leader. It was one of the best weeks ever. These kids have so much potential and they don't even realize it. I am so excited to be spending the whole summer with them. Not to mention, our group won the overall camp competition. Winning is awesome and my kids deserved it. They were awesome servants and leaders all week. I spoke at one of the sessions at camp and it was pretty cool. I have not spoken a lot in front of big crowds but Blake asked me to do it. He believed in me and I have a hard time saying no. I am so glad I did because it was a big learning moment for me. Random fact: there were snakes at camp and I hated them but would go on golf cart adventures looking for them.
This is what I do in the down time of my super busy schedule...sit in my backyard by the pool and draw or listen to music and write. I love my life. God has me in such a good spot right now and I am so thankful. We all know I needed it. I could not have asked for a better summer. Random Fact: God has a bigger plan for my life than the one I had for myself. I cant be a snow globe if those bigger plans are going to work. There is a huge part of me that is still really broken. Time is slowly picking those pieces up off the ground. I have faith and will not give up on picking up pieces and tearing down walls.

4-5th Grade Camp

this is Emily. She is one of the other interns I work with. She is great.

This week I am at 4-5th grade camp. These kids are so draining it is crazy. So far this week we have done so many activities and games and lessons it is all a blur. They have this huge blob thing here at a big pond. The kids love it. At night the leaders get to go out and play volleyball or swim. That time is precious. I am going to need some serious rest and the help of God to make it through this week. It is going to be awesome to see how God continues to move at camp this week!

Above is a picture of me and Aubree another leader at camp. She is a student in high school and is super involved in the church. Our faces show just how exhausted we are today and the week is not even half over!

texas

I am in texas for the summer as an intern for Compass Christian Church. So far I absolutely love it. The people that I am working with are pretty great. I am working mostly with 4-5th graders, jr high and high school. Recently I have worked a lot with Blake, the jr high pastor. He is a good person to learn from. Now that I gave him a shout out I should mention Chris, Matt and Cameron. They are all great leaders as well. The other interns that I am working with are so much fun. We get along great and really have a great time togther.
My least favorite part so far would be making phone calls to parents telling them they owed money for camp. Who knew people did not like to be told they owe money?
My favorite part would be getting to know the guys I work with. Going to their houses for dinner is always fun. Also, Blake taught me how to shoot a red rider gun. Then I beat him in a competition.
I dont get much sleep because there is always something to do, and if you know me, I love that. There is always someone to go hang out with or an event to go to or work to be done. It is awesome.
I have seen: an armidillo, a possum, a moth the size of a 50 cent piece, a grown man dance to justin timberlake, two coyotes running through my neighborhood in the middle of the night, and Kobe win two games in the finals.

I now appreciate all of my past interns on a whole new level. They hung out with me when they could have been sleeping or relaxing.

life. isnt it great.

Well in the past month I have gone through some pretty stressful times. The kind of stress that no one my age should have to go through. I think it is all finally catching up to me physically and emotionally. Now that I am home for a week and actually have time to just sit and breathe, I am proud and not so proud of how I made it through the stress. Usually something I live by is no regrets. I wish I could say this about my life lately. However, if my life was a movie I would have written the last chapter a little differently. But then again if my life was a movie I would have come out on top by now. Anyways, I am proud that I made it through that time in my life and I am still alive. That's an accomplishment right there.

As far as music goes, I listen to mostly 80's rock or other music that is not slow and chill. Shocking, I know. I don't really know where I want to be geographically either. I didn't want to leave Illinois. Then I didn't want to leave Texas. Now I don't want to leave Vegas. Not quite sure what the deal is with that. My family is not the same as it used to be either. Things have changed so much since I have last been home. I get the feeling that everyone is just putting on a good face while I am here. After all, that is what my family does best. When I was at school I missed my home church so much. Sunday I didn't really feel like it was home anymore. Sure the people I love were there, I just wasn't feelin it. I think I am just really looking for stability in my life and not finding it anywhere. I am so ready to settle down and stop chasing happiness. I am ready for it to find me and for me to embrace it with everything. I'm so ready for everything to stop being so messed up and for me to stop messing up. So yeah, I'm a wreck. But if you know me, you know that I make pretty big comebacks (like Dave Dravecky- Dravecky was an above-average starting pitcher for the Padres in the 80s before he had a cancerous tumor removed from his pitching arm in October of 1988. By August of the next year, he was already back pitching in the majors.) . Ill find my way eventually. It just may take an extra step or two...

the person you are

"And Hansel said to Gretal: "Let us drop these bread crumbs, so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things." This year I lost my way. And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey... is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted nine months. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been, and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are."