words

I'd rather have sticks and stones
And broken bones
Than the words you say to me
Cause I know bruises heal
And cuts will seal
But your words beat the life out of me

pictures

Erin and I on the way to a soccer game.

The girls getting some dinner before classes start.

Waiting for our soccer game to start. Me, Erin and Mallory in the back. Thanks Mal.

Lauren, me, and my roommate Brooke at CIY this summer.

On the lake. I was about to crash into a boat.

Blake, Calvin, Emily and me jumping off the two story boat....so scary.
Well, this has been my life for the last month or so. Its been pretty fun being me lately.

It's beating...

Its beating..
For months all I wanted was for it to stop beating. If it stopped beating then it stopped hurting. I found a way to make it stop for a while. That was called stuff. I filled my life with stuff. Stuff was great for a little bit. But I got bored with stuff and realized it was not the best company. So I tried the company of some other things like friends and books. Just like before, I became weary and burnt out. I could not handle friends. They became needy and clingy just like a bad girlfriend. Books made my head hurt because of how much time I spent with them. So I dropped them like they were hot. What was left? What could get it beating without hurting? Nothing worked. I failed again. Neat. So I decided to try out trust. Trust has burned me before but it was the only thing that made sense. Trust took me a while to warm up to. After that stage, trust became all I knew. This was so strange. To get it beating again I needed to do the thing that made it hurt. So I was on my own after I had to leave trust. I had to leave trust and go back to what I thought was darkness. However, when I arrived at the place I knew as darkness, it was only filled with light and a few clouds. Never completely dark. I pray that it will never be completely filled with darkness again. It beats like a rap song. Inconsistent and to the tune of whatever I am doing. The beat needs to be steady and consistent. Its almost beating to the tune I choose. Almost. Not yet. Soon.

with every goodbye...

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaving. And company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to realize that kisses aren’t contracts, and presents aren’t promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans. And futures have a way of falling down in mid flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong and you can endure. And that you do have worth. With every goodbye, you learn.

better man

"Its hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying."

Do you want to be healed?

In John 5, Jesus asks the man who is sick if he wants to be healed. This part of the story always stuck out to me. It seemed like a silly question. Well of course he wanted to be healed. Why else would he be there? This man has been miserable for so long and would clearly want to be healed. But then I started to go deeper with this. What does being healed mean for him? It means that he has to live life and leave his comfort zone. The man has been this way for 38 years. Talk about a comfort zone. He is going to have to start completely over and learn to live.

I thought of this in terms of my own life. Do I want to be healed? Do I truly in my heart of hearts want to be healed from all the crap in my life. It may just be easier to keep carrying these burdens and regrets. Being healed would mean starting over. It would also mean that I would be whole again. Being whole again is a scary thing. Something whole can be broken. If I remain broken, there is nothing left to break. Therefore, I am safe. Right?

Wrong. John 10:10 tells me that I am supposed to have life and life to the fullest. Being broken is not living that out. Brokenness should not leave me content. It should leave me thirsting to be restored. It should leave me on my knees daily, asking God to restore my life.

Best Wedding Entrance EVER

I absolutely LOVE this.
-also, notice the woman minister :)

Fired Up!

This is the video that I made today. It is to advertise for Fired Up.

This is a Jr High event that goes on during vacation bible school.

We filmed this morning and then I spent most of the day editing and

adding music to make it pretty. I loved working on this video today

and it was the best way to finish out my week. Let me enlighten you

on a few things so this video makes sense. Purple-ing: boys are blue.

girls are pink. dont make purple. Also, Blake is in love with cookies

and everyone knows it. That is why we are going to have a cookie

dough making/eating contest. Pictures of the event will be posted!

dare to dream

Blake sent this to me today and I thought it was awesome. He has been teaching me a lot about dreams and visions for my life. Something important that I have learned is that until your dream is made ready for others to hear, dont share it. If you share it too early, people are going to shoot it down. I have had this happen a lot this summer. I made the mistake of broadcasting a dream or goal for my life. Because it was foreign to the people I was sharing with, they laughed. Laughing at someones dream is just not nice. Luckily, I dont easily quit or back down. Like the kid in this video, I wanted to just put my dream in a plastic bag and be done with it. And at times I have mentally done that. I have mentally reduced myself to something less than my potential.

Something else that he taught me is that it is important to have "small wins". I rarely make short term goals. All I can think about is long term and large projects. He showed me the importance of having those little wins along the way. This may help with feeling defeated or inadequate before actually reaching the end of a goal.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Eleanor Roosevelt

I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
W.B. Yeats

anything but ordinary

**This is a joke...I dont really think this about myself...just so we are clear :)

My whole life I have held myself to a higher standard than those around me. I never settle for anything less than the best. I try to separate myself with others by my grades, my music, work, my art and almost any other aspect of myself. I don't hold others to the standards i set for myself because I find that it only leads to disappointment. Surprisingly, I don't think better of myself compared to others because of my need for excellence.

Last week I was disappointed in myself. I got a speeding ticket. To everyone else this is not a big deal but it really sucked for me. It closed one more gap between me and other people. It seems like this past year a lot of gaps I had were closed and I am becoming more and more ordinary. That is what it seems like but I know this to be false. I will not give up on my standards but continue to learn grace when I am not perfect. That is something that I struggle with most. I have a lot of justice in me and very little grace. I know full well that I deserved that ticket. The officer was super nice and chatted with me about my summer internship (since he pulled me over in the church parking lot) and then kindly handed me my ticket. How nice.

derf and blerf

I went to a wedding. This is michelle gabbard and emily. Love them.

This is me finishing up a paint war. It was sooo fun. I am on the far left and soaking wet.

I got bangs. Sometimes i like them, sometimes i dont. This moment, I dont. We will see.

1. I am building relationships with a few older girls in the youth group. It is awesome to finally be able to pour into someones life and see the transformation. I have always been bad when it comes to carrying others burdens, which happens a lot in ministry I am finding out. This is something that I am having to learn very quickly.

2. Overall, I have worked the most with Blake, the Jr. High minister, and really admire him. I have a lot left to learn from him and how he runs his ministry. I am looking forward to the rest of the summer with all the staff and students. Every minute of my job is great and I would not change it for the world. I am so lucky to get paid to learn and do what I love most in life.

3. I am scared to go back to school. I think I'll just stay here.

4. We all put God in a box based on the scope of our faith, understanding, and spiritual freedom. Is your box getting bigger or smaller? I am trying daily to make mine bigger.

5. Watching the homerun derby was not so much fun. I usually love baseball but it seemed boring this year. However, I loved loved loved the all star game. I fell back in love with baseball when I watched that game.

6. I get to go to Oregon in two weeks and I could not be more excited. I feel so alive when I am there. It will be awesome to hang with my cousins and shoot some hoops. (i sound like I am good at basketball, nope. Im not)

7. Words that I have been saying non-stop: derf and blerf. neat. intentional.

8. I have started running again. It is so hot here that I cant make it super far without getting heat stroke. I love exercising and feeling good about myself.

when you're hurt

"When you're hurt in a relationship, when the unfailing love you desired bails on you, a wave of bitterness can wash into the void. And when that bitterness takes over, watch out. When resentment rolls around inside you, you begin to turn into an angry, distant, cynical, oversensitive, ticked-off-at-the-world kind of person. You become withdrawn. You become selfish. You become self-absorbed. You grow distant. You're distrustful and even a bit paranoid. When bitterness hacks into your life, it really messes you up." - Mike Breaux

"Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple." - Job 5:2

I have been thinking about this quote from Breaux a lot lately. I am working so hard to not let this description become a reality for my life. I can admit that it has not been an easy struggle and it is something that I have to decide every single day. Giving in to all those things would be way easier but would result in being messed up. That is something that is harder to bounce back from. Id rather smile when I want to cry and work every day to get past the crappy part of broken relationships. Just like Annie says, "You're never fully dressed without a smile"!

quick recap

First off, I think that I am writing to no one. I do not think that anyone reads this, so does that make me crazy writing things that I hope people will read, but knowing fully that no one ever does? I dont think so. I hope not.

well here is a little update of my life. I went to Durango Colorado for the CIY conference. There were so many cool things about that trip I could not fit them all into one post. I love those students so much. I really do have a passion for high schoolers. One of the cool things we did while we were there is white water rafting. It was soo fun..until Lauren Neese hit me in the nose with her paddle. It turned out to be funny but my nose swelled and bruised. Luckily no brokenness occurred. The ride back from the trip was crazy. 18 hour trip took 26 hours- 2 broken down busses, 1 emergency room visit, 4 busses pulled over by the cops in the middle of the night, 4 hour wait with 200 students in a restaurant at 4 in the morning, and big smiles as I finally got off the bus.

I have been able to build relationships with some of the students here. I mostly hang out with the Selinger girls. One of them is in high school and the other is in jr high. They are great girls with so much potential. I have had some awesome days back at the office since being back from my trip. I feel like I know the people that I am working with pretty well and we get to have a great time while getting some work done. These next few days are going to be crazy busy (every day seems to be crazy busy for me!) with getting ready for events at the church, volunteering at a wedding, hanging out with students, putting on events and just learning as much as possible.

this is just a brief overview of what I have done in the last two weeks. I love my life and my job.

jr high camp . host family . life in general

Maddy is one of the kids I live with. She is 4 and super cute. We are really goofy all the time and I love it. One of her favorite things is to take pictures on my computer. Random fact: Little kids are funny and I decided that I want kids for sure. Girl-first name Peyton. Boy-middle name Alan.
This is a picture of my group at jr high camp. They were all 8th graders and I loved being their leader. It was one of the best weeks ever. These kids have so much potential and they don't even realize it. I am so excited to be spending the whole summer with them. Not to mention, our group won the overall camp competition. Winning is awesome and my kids deserved it. They were awesome servants and leaders all week. I spoke at one of the sessions at camp and it was pretty cool. I have not spoken a lot in front of big crowds but Blake asked me to do it. He believed in me and I have a hard time saying no. I am so glad I did because it was a big learning moment for me. Random fact: there were snakes at camp and I hated them but would go on golf cart adventures looking for them.
This is what I do in the down time of my super busy schedule...sit in my backyard by the pool and draw or listen to music and write. I love my life. God has me in such a good spot right now and I am so thankful. We all know I needed it. I could not have asked for a better summer. Random Fact: God has a bigger plan for my life than the one I had for myself. I cant be a snow globe if those bigger plans are going to work. There is a huge part of me that is still really broken. Time is slowly picking those pieces up off the ground. I have faith and will not give up on picking up pieces and tearing down walls.

4-5th Grade Camp

this is Emily. She is one of the other interns I work with. She is great.

This week I am at 4-5th grade camp. These kids are so draining it is crazy. So far this week we have done so many activities and games and lessons it is all a blur. They have this huge blob thing here at a big pond. The kids love it. At night the leaders get to go out and play volleyball or swim. That time is precious. I am going to need some serious rest and the help of God to make it through this week. It is going to be awesome to see how God continues to move at camp this week!

Above is a picture of me and Aubree another leader at camp. She is a student in high school and is super involved in the church. Our faces show just how exhausted we are today and the week is not even half over!

texas

I am in texas for the summer as an intern for Compass Christian Church. So far I absolutely love it. The people that I am working with are pretty great. I am working mostly with 4-5th graders, jr high and high school. Recently I have worked a lot with Blake, the jr high pastor. He is a good person to learn from. Now that I gave him a shout out I should mention Chris, Matt and Cameron. They are all great leaders as well. The other interns that I am working with are so much fun. We get along great and really have a great time togther.
My least favorite part so far would be making phone calls to parents telling them they owed money for camp. Who knew people did not like to be told they owe money?
My favorite part would be getting to know the guys I work with. Going to their houses for dinner is always fun. Also, Blake taught me how to shoot a red rider gun. Then I beat him in a competition.
I dont get much sleep because there is always something to do, and if you know me, I love that. There is always someone to go hang out with or an event to go to or work to be done. It is awesome.
I have seen: an armidillo, a possum, a moth the size of a 50 cent piece, a grown man dance to justin timberlake, two coyotes running through my neighborhood in the middle of the night, and Kobe win two games in the finals.

I now appreciate all of my past interns on a whole new level. They hung out with me when they could have been sleeping or relaxing.

life. isnt it great.

Well in the past month I have gone through some pretty stressful times. The kind of stress that no one my age should have to go through. I think it is all finally catching up to me physically and emotionally. Now that I am home for a week and actually have time to just sit and breathe, I am proud and not so proud of how I made it through the stress. Usually something I live by is no regrets. I wish I could say this about my life lately. However, if my life was a movie I would have written the last chapter a little differently. But then again if my life was a movie I would have come out on top by now. Anyways, I am proud that I made it through that time in my life and I am still alive. That's an accomplishment right there.

As far as music goes, I listen to mostly 80's rock or other music that is not slow and chill. Shocking, I know. I don't really know where I want to be geographically either. I didn't want to leave Illinois. Then I didn't want to leave Texas. Now I don't want to leave Vegas. Not quite sure what the deal is with that. My family is not the same as it used to be either. Things have changed so much since I have last been home. I get the feeling that everyone is just putting on a good face while I am here. After all, that is what my family does best. When I was at school I missed my home church so much. Sunday I didn't really feel like it was home anymore. Sure the people I love were there, I just wasn't feelin it. I think I am just really looking for stability in my life and not finding it anywhere. I am so ready to settle down and stop chasing happiness. I am ready for it to find me and for me to embrace it with everything. I'm so ready for everything to stop being so messed up and for me to stop messing up. So yeah, I'm a wreck. But if you know me, you know that I make pretty big comebacks (like Dave Dravecky- Dravecky was an above-average starting pitcher for the Padres in the 80s before he had a cancerous tumor removed from his pitching arm in October of 1988. By August of the next year, he was already back pitching in the majors.) . Ill find my way eventually. It just may take an extra step or two...

the person you are

"And Hansel said to Gretal: "Let us drop these bread crumbs, so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things." This year I lost my way. And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey... is a fate more cruel. The journey lasted nine months. Sometimes I traveled alone. Sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. It wasn't me at all. And once you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been, and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are."

MUSIC OF MAY

Music is on my mind this month.
Lately I have been restless with music. If you are in that same spot, here is some stuff that I like this month. You may like it too.

super chill/ "I feel like something is wrong"
Civil Twilight- Quiet In My Own Town
The Cure- Boys Don't Cry, Just Like Heaven and any of their older stuff. Mostly their work from the 80's
The Script- Break Even, Lose Yourself, The Man Who Can't Be Moved
Kate Voegele- Hallelujah, You Can't Break A Broken Heart, Lift Me Up

not so chill
The Spill Canvas- Lillaby, Break A Leg, This Is For Keeps, All Hail The Heartbreaker, All Over You
Bush- Come Down, Glycerin
Addison Road- Sticking With You
The Afters- Love Lead Me On
Foo Fighters- All My Life, Pretender, Best Of You, Learn To Fly
The Honorary Title- Stay Away, Everything I Once Had
Shinedown- Second Chance
Matt Nathanson- Come On Get Higher, Heartbreak World, Princess
Audioslave- Like A Stone, Show Me How To Live, Revelations, Doesn't Remind Me
Nirvana- Come As You Are, Sappy

battle

Satan knows that he will not win the battle. Why does he still try? I get the feeling that I would have given up by now. If I knew that I would not win a battle, I would stop trying.

Picture two sides of a battlefield. One side knows very well that they will not win. Yet they still want to do as much damage as possible. The other side of the battle knows that they will be victorious no matter what damage they receive. This confidence gets them through the battle even faster. I need to remember what side of the battle I am on.

In Mark 5- Jesus casts out the demons into the pigs and the demons recognize the power of Jesus. If even demons can recognize the power of God, why cant I?

If God is for me who can be against me?
-Romans 8:31

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."

-Juno

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
-1 Corinthians 13:13

unanswered prayers

"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
Good thing I am not in charge of my life. I would have changed some things about my life lately but I truly believe that God knows what he is doing. I am beginning to see that what I thought I wanted would not be good for me at all. I am very thankful that my prayers these past few weeks were not answered how I wanted.
In all things God works for the good of those who love him.
-Romans 8:28

its going to hurt

Does it hurt?
Yes
The rain came and the storms of this life hit me hard
The rain went away after a while but the night brought hail
No rainbow, just dark lonely hail
The morning brought snow
Somehow through the blankets of glistening snow I find hope
Hope that it will melt
Knowing that under the snow is life and life abundantly
Will I hurt tomorrow?
Yes
I have become something that not even I can love
The mirror reflects the ugly unhappy morose version of a girl
A girl who loved sports and life and having a good time
I will not settle until I find that girl
You ask if I will live?
Yes.
I will believe in myself and all that I am
Knowing that there is something inside me that is greater than any obstacle.
I will not stop loving him
And I pray that one day he will give that love another chance.
Until then...
i WILL find myself

Beautiful

The King is enthralled by your BEAUTY;
honor him, for he is your LORD.

Psalm 45:11
*Since God made me, how can I be anything but beautiful?
This will be my focus for the next few weeks.

just breathe

inhale...
my mind suffocating from the thoughts it must house. too much to hold, but too much to let go. Your words linger, the cold wind against my face. Just as sharp and painful with each blow.
exhale...
His peace consumes. Uncertain yet sure, His sovereignty maintains me. hands raised in awe. reaching, but not alone. embraced in the spirit.
inhale...
so much resting upon me. a task beyond my capability. Forever...depending on my words. The waves are coming in, my feet start to slip
exhale...
The bank holds firm. He will never let go. I cannot see accross the span, but the shoreline up ahead will not disappoint. My gaze now focused, i look only ahead

another mountain

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

I Grew Up In Vegas...

Now that I have left and gone away to school, I can really see how different growing up in Vegas is from the rest of the country.

When you grew up in Vegas:
You don't wear "Las Vegas", T-shirts. Only people from Cali would do that.
When you go to different cities, you're amazed things aren't open after 9 pm
When it rains people freak out & when it snows, they lose their minds.
In the summer, your car is overheated...before you started driving
You know that prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas but legal in Pahrump.
You know a yellow light means there is plenty of time and a red light means there is still enough time.
Your mayor used to work for the mob and still hangs out with show girls.
The slot machines in the airport drown out the PA announcements
You give directions to your house based on location of closest casino
You learned how to use crayon's by playing KENO at restaurants when you were a kid.
You have no idea what a scarf does but think it looks good.
You know how to get to any casino on the strip without taking Las Vegas Blvd.
You know the seasons: Really hot, 2 weeks of nice, not so hot, 2 weeks of nice.
It doesn't faze you to see slot machines in grocery stores.
You have no idea how a lottery works.
You know the spaghetti bowl has nothing to do with food and you want nothing to do with it.
You think a well-organized pile of rocks can be a nice lawn.
You need to walk through a casino to see a movie.
You can spot a tourist from 3 miles away.
Limos are an everyday sighting.
You don't own an umbrella.
Sixty degrees is cold enough to wear a jacket.
You can wear shorts in the winter.
You get bored in the Entertainment Capital of the World.
You've never had to pay for parking.

The Luckiest

I don't get many things right the first time

In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
The luckiest

-Ben Folds

I know that I complain a lot about the way things are, but I really am thankful for a lot of things. Today I sat down and started listing off the things that I have to be thankful for and I really am a pretty lucky person. In spite of all the bad things that happen in my life, I have so much going for me.

to be a lily

like a lily among thorns

is my darling among the maidens.

Song of Solomon 2:2

i really like this.

decisions

This seems like a theme for life. Decisions will always have to be made.
I remember this summer when I had to figure out which school to go to. Since I was little I had planned on going to OSU.
Plans Fail.
I ended up all the way across the united states.
Plans Change.
I am so thankful to for the decisions that led me to where I am.
New Plans Succeed.
Summer is coming and jobs are being lined up... or so I hear.
Decisions Are Hard.
Indiana, Las Vegas, Reno, Illinois, Texas, Pondo
How To Decide?


Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Too Much Cheer

After this weekend I feel like the Grinch of cheerleaders. There was way too much cheer going on this weekend. Trevor and I went down to Springfield IL to watch the high school state competition. His cousin performed on the second day we were there. Trev tried to warn me about the intensity of the events of that weekend but I refused to listen. Two straight days of cheerleaders was a little much. At the competition emotions were on both ends of the scale for all the girls. Some were sobbing because they did not win, others were ecstatic because they took first, and then there were the pissed off girls who dropped their stunts. After day one of the competition, the hotel was anything but good place to get some rest. We had drunk neighbors in our hotel who refuse to sleep, and hyper girls practicing their routines in the lobby. Somehow I am still glad that I endured the whole shebang and managed to have a little bit of fun. Lets just say I am happy to have made it out of the cheer world alive.

what matters most

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:30

saying no to being a yes (wo)man

I have a tendency to turn into a yes (wo)man to try to please people all the time. What I need to keep reminding myself is that I am only responsible for what is in my "yard". There are things in my life that I have been put in charge of or responsibilities that I have to take care of. There are also relationships that I have chosen to invest and put my effort into. These are some of the things that are in my yard. If I do not have my yard taken care of, I have no business taking care of someone elses yard. This does not mean that I will refuse to help someone if they are in dire need. However, the little things that I put my stuff off for, are not necessary. I am primarily responsible for the things and people that I have put into my yard. Having that fence up is a hard thing for me. My thoughts tell me to just tell people no sometimes, but my mouth always seems to say yes. Being everything for everyone is impossible and can leave me disappointed. Putting up this kind of fence is not a bad thing. In fact, I need it. My yard has been looking a little dry these days. I feel like I am on the right track to having a beautiful yard. Better days are ahead.

How is your yard looking?

Jon McLaughlin

For Valentines Day I get to go to another concert with my man (I am SO lucky!). This time we are going to see Jon McLaughlin in Chicago at the House of Blues on Feb 20th!
He is not very well known yet, but is getting there. One of his older songs that you may know is Beautiful Disaster.
Jon plays the piano and has an overall chill sound without putting you to sleep. Trevor has seen him live once before and said that he was really good. I cant wait to go. Plus he is not bad to look at :)
Check out Jon McLaughlin or see my Artists to watch out for list!

no title

"Yes, losing your heart's desire is tragic. But gaining your heart's desire? That's all you can hope for. This year I prayed for love... to immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic, then give me tragedy. Because I wouldn't give it back for the world."

oh christian college

I struggle with a lot of things here at christian college. Something that has bothered me a lot lately is singing worship. To me, I worship to God instead of about God. I know that most songs are about God but I think that it should not be about singing to each other. On this note, I cannot understand why people take off their hats in prayer and not during the whole service. This can be taken one step further to saying that if God is with us at all times, why ever wear hats. I do not think that God is absent when people wear hats, so I do not see the point in taking them off. Reverence and everything makes sense, but I do not think God is any less pleased with the offering of our hearts in worship when hats are worn.

Something I also struggle with here is the popular words. I don't think I have ever heard so many "christian" cool words in my life. This frustrates me because it is just so silly and half the time the words are not even in context. They are used for spicing up language and not to help explain anything. So pointless.

I also have a hard time with the people and profs on this campus that are placed on a higher pedestal than the others. I believe that there are a lot of good people here, not just the "famous" ones. I guess this is just me running against the grain but it is something that really really bothers me. It is fine for someone to have their favorite prof but when there are the elite ones who can do no wrong on a campus where everyone is striving for the same thing, it is no good.

I recently have realized that being at a christian college has not strengthened my relationship with God. Do not get me wrong, I have learned so much in my time here but my relationship with God is suffering. My classes spend so much time in the Word that I don't really feel like doing it on my own anymore. This is something that I recognize as not good. As a result of this, my other relationships are suffering. Also not good.

There are a lot of other things that have been eating at me the past few months. I will save those for another time.

ps. This is the most open I have been on my blog... I am working on being more open in general. I figured I would start here. It is a lot of work keeping to myself all the time.

Punxsutawney Phil

1. today is groundhog day! I feel like this day takes on more importance to me now that I want winter to be over.
2. Punxsutawney, Pa., is about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. This is where Punxsutawney Phil lives.
3. The man in this picture does not look like he has a good hold on Phil. I am a little worried for his safety.
4. The verdict?
more winter.
boo

My Second Man

My man took me to a concert for Christmas. Brad Paisley is my second man. He was so talented and I loved it so much. All the people were so good and I had a really good time. There are always some funny people at country concerts. Lets just say some people had one too many drinks. Trev enjoyed Darius Rucker (the lead singer from Hootie and the Blowfish). Luckily I liked everyone that hit the stage that night. Darius Rucker, Dierks Bentley and Brad Paisley put on one good show. I would definitely go to their show again.

I was wondering...

When is spring coming?
I need warm weather and sunshine. I never realized how much the weather influences my mood until I moved to the ice caps of IL. It has been a little warm here (about 30 degrees) so I think that maybe the cold is coming to an end. Today I am going to go kick a ball around outside with my friends. I am hoping that doing some soccer drills will make me happier.
When I was in Vegas for winter break, they had out swim suits already!! I feel like I need to get one because this time of year I usually start looking. I just cant pull myself to look for a swim suit when there is still lots of snow on the ground. Hopefully all the good ones wont be gone by the time I begin the search for my 09' swim wear.